The Definitive Humor Thread

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littleone's picture
littleone
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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

Earthwise,

Painfully true!

 

Here is one of my favs...one that I can't get to post:

Colbert Report, Thursday, October 2, 2008

Formidable Opponent - Business Syphilis

Business syphilis infects the market after a corporate orgy. (04:26)

http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/186548/october-02-2008/formidable-opponent---business-syphilis

 

-littleone

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rich vs poor

This quote ties in with some of Wanda Sykes' comedic comments about the stock market bailout:

Malthus: “Instead of recommending cleanliness to the poor, we should encourage contrary habits. In our towns we should make the streets narrower, crowd more people into the houses, and court the return of the plague. In the country, we should build our villages near stagnant pools, and particularly encourage settlement in all marshy and unwholesome situations. But above all we should reprobate specific remedies for ravaging diseases; and restrain those benevolent, but much mistaken men, who have thought they are doing a service to mankind by protecting schemes for the total extirpation of particular disorders."

Yeah, but then will the rich become terrified of becoming poor?...and attempt to become unnaturally immortal and rich and pride themselves on giving to the poor.

Oh wait, that has happened...Wanda sums up the unequal requirements for social entitlements if you are rich vs poor:

*edit to add video link:

 and fix grammer.

 

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Open-Minded Man Grimly Realizes How Much Life He's Wasted on BS

I love the Onion...

"Open-Minded Man Grimly Realizes How Much Life He's Wasted Listening To Bulls***

http://www.theonion.com/articles/openminded-man-grimly-realizes-how-much-life-hes-w,19273/

CLEVELAND—During an unexpected moment of clarity Tuesday, open-minded man Blake Richman was suddenly struck by the grim realization that he's squandered a significant portion of his life listening to everyone's [deleted], the 38-year-old told reporters.

A visibly stunned and solemn Richman, who until this point regarded his willingness to hear out the opinions of others as a worthwhile quality, estimated that he's wasted nearly three and a half years of his existence being open to people's half-formed thoughts, asinine suggestions, and pointless, [deleted] stories.

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Open-Minded Man Grimly Realizes How Much Life He's Wasted Listen

deleted - didn't realise this was already posted!

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Music Video - WTSHTF

This is fun.

--Suzie

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Peak oil DEBUNKED

I'm so relieved!

 

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LOL.  This is the first

LOL.  This is the first time I've heard of the "drench Jesus in oil theory".  Somehow, I don't think oil looks good on a nice white robe.

This Youtube presenter is just another piece of evidence for my theory that they're pumping the atmosphere full of stupid gas.  I had to deal with someone like this today and I swear, there are mushrooms in my backyard with a higher IQ.  How do they even find their way home at the end of the day?

Thanks for the laugh Tycer.

 

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LOL

 

That video was 100% satire.

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Seriously.......

 

C'mon, tell me this was a gag. Nobody is that stupid! If so then that disproves the concept of social Darwinism. And to publicize it.......

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President Obama Roasts Donald Trump At White House Correspondent

Obama's birth movie and the change that Trump would bring to the White House Laughing

 

<iframe width="640" height="510" src="

" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

 

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tease...

 

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Thanks

Ready

That's the funniest thing I've seen in ages!  Thanks for the laughs.

Travlin

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Cat In Tank

Dr. Seuss didn't think this one up...

 

Link:

Poet

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May Be No Need to Fret About End of Fed Bond Buying

http://www.cnbc.com/id/43342110

A massive build-up in foreign reserves in emerging markets should snuff worries about the end of the Federal Reserve's bond-buying program, the global head of emerging market research at JPMorgan said on Monday.

Corporate Bond

The rapid accumulation of foreign reserves and the conservative stance central banks take when investing them means U.S. Treasurys are a major target for those funds, supporting the market as the Fed ends purchases.

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Sh*t My Dad Says ...

You Take What You Need From Your Father

Father’s Day has never been a big deal at my house. My dad hates celebrations. He goes through the motions for Christmas because it means a lot to my mom. He’ll put up with Easter because it means he gets to eat ham.

“You can pretty much get to do whatever you want if you give me ham,” he’s said many times in my life. But Father’s Day is technically his holiday, and therefore he feels he has the right to squash it in our house.

Anyone can f*cking procreate, and most eventually do. I refuse to celebrate a statistical probability,” he announced on Father’s Day when I was seventeen.

I was about to graduate from high school, and my relationship with my dad during the last year had been rocky. Everything we did seemed to annoy one another. I dealt with the friction by avoiding being in the house while he was there, and he dealt with it by repeating the phrase, “You mind? I’m watching the f*cking Nature Channel.”

So when he told me on the morning of Father’s Day that year that he would not partake in a celebration, frankly, I was fine with it. But my mother was not.

That night I sat on my bed reading a brochure from San Diego State University, where I was heading in the fall, when the door to my room opened and my father entered.

Sorry to interrupt whatever it is you’re doing,” he said.

“I’m just looking at some of the classes they have at State,” I said.

“Oh yeah? Like what?”

“You want to know?”

Ah, f*ck it, not really. Listen, your mother thinks you’re going to go off to college and hate me and then we’re not going to be friends again until I’m dying and I got a wad of sh*t in my pants. That’s bullsh*t right?”

Ah – “

“So, look, I’m not an easy guy to get along with. I know that. But you know I would murder another human being for you if it came down to it. Murder. F*cking homicide. If it came down to it.”

Why would you need to do that for me?” I said.

“I don’t know. Maybe you get mixed up in some gambling sh*t or you scr*w some guy’s wife or – don’t matter. Not my point. My point is: I may seem like an assh*le, but I mean well. And I want to tell you a story,” he said, taking a seat on the foot of my bed before quickly jumping up.

Your bed smells like sh*t. Where can I sit that doesn’t smell like sh*t?” I pointed to my desk chair, which was covered with dirty clothes. He brushed the clothes onto the ground and collapsed in the chair.

Just for your information, this chair also smells like sh*t. This isn’t a non-sh*t-smelling option. In case a girl comes over or something.”

What’s your story, Dad?” I snapped.

I ever tell you how I mangled my arm?” he asked, pointing to the large, white crescent-shaped scar that practically circled his entire elbow.

Yeah, lots of times. You were, like, ten and you were on the farm and you fell off a tobacco wagon, then the wagon rolled over it.”

Right. But I ever tell you what happened after the wagon rolled over it?”

Maybe.”

He leaned back in the chair. “I was laying on the ground, bones poking through my skin. Your Aunt Debbie is just going ape-sh*t. They pop me in our car, and we drive forty-five minutes to Lexington to the doctor’s. This is 1946 Kentucky, and my town was a sh*t stain on a map so we had to drive to the city. So the doc sees me, dresses the wounds best he can, and puts me up in the hospital bed. At this point I’m about to pass out on account of the pain.”

I almost had that happen once,” I interrupted.

No you didn’t. So anyway, I’m lying in my hospital bed when your Grandpa gets there. And your Grandpa was a tough son of a b*tch. He wasn’t like how you knew him; he softened up in his nineties. So Grandpa grabs the doc, and your Aunt Debbie and the two of them go outside my room. I can hear them talking, but they don’t know that. The doc tells your Grandpa that they think there’s a good chance that an infection has already taken hold in my arm. And Grandpa, in that scratchy voice he’s got, asks what that means. And the doc tells him it means they have some medicine they can give me that might kill the infection, but it might not, and if it doesn’t, I’ll die.”

You heard the doctor say that?”

Yep.”

What’d you do?”

What do you mean? I had f*cking bones coming out of my elbow. I didn’t do sh*t. So the doc tells Grandpa that there’s a 50/50 chance the medicine works. But then he says there’s another option. He tells Grandpa if they amputate my arm at the elbow, there’s a 100 percent chance that I’ll live.”

What did Grandpa say?” I asked, inching toward the edge of the bed.

He said, ‘Give him the medicine.’ And the doc says, ‘But there’s a 50 percent chance he’ll die.’ Then it’s quiet for a bit.

Nobody making a f*cking peep. Then I hear Grandpa clear his throat and say, ‘Then let him die. There ain’t no room in this world for a one-armed farmer.”

My dad fell silent and leaned back in the chair, stretching his legs out. My dad hadn’t told me many stories about his father at this point, and I wasn’t quite sure how he felt about the man. This was the first time I had gotten a glimpse.

Man, I’m really sorry, Dad.”

Sorry for what?” he asked, his face morphing into a look of confusion as he sat up straight in the chair.

Well, that’s, I don’t know, that’s really… messed up. I can’t believe Grandpa did that.”

What in the f*ck are you talking about? The man saved my arm! They were going to cut off my arm and he saved it. That’s my point: Grandpa could be an a$$hole sometimes but when it came down to it he was there for me.”

That’s what you took from that?”

Hell yes. I don’t know what else you were expecting me to take. Imagine me with one goddamned arm. Be a f*cking disaster. Anyway, just like Grandpa cared about me, I care about you and I don’t want you out there hating me, cause I don’t hate you. I love the sh*t out of you.” He stood up, ironing his pants’ front with his hands. “Jesus H. Christ, do something about the f*cking smell in this room.”

Fourteen years later, on this Father’s Day, despite his reluctance to celebrate the holiday, I’d like to thank my dad for everything he’s done for me and advise him: If a wagon ever crushes me, let’s not roll the dice. Cut off my arm, Dad. There’s more than enough room in this world for a one-armed writer.

 

Justin Halpern

June 2011

 


Sh*t My Dad Says ...

~ VF ~

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Good one, Paul!

Good one, Paul!

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climate change...? what climate change?
Cartoon of the Month:
 
 
©2011 Pat Bagley. All Rights Reserved.

©2009 Union of Concerned Scientists

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White House garden gets crops circle...

Saw this posted by a commentor at ZH this morning, and got a good chuckle...

http://rochelletimes.blogspot.com/2009/07/new-white-house-vegetable-garden-gets.html

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Oh everythings funny until the chimp pulls the trigger.

 

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who's the baddest mofo in this jungle? I is!
Johnny Oxygen wrote:

 

ROTFLMAO!  I love the sign of triumph as the chimp raises the AK overhead at the end.

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Re: who's the baddest mofo in this jungle? I is!

That chimp is awwwwesome.

BTW. It was a great idea to give a chimp a loaded weapon that had the safety off. Undecided

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Spoiler warning....?

Aren't these outtakes from the upcoming Rise of the Planet of the Apes movie?

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Johnny Oxygen wrote: That
Johnny Oxygen wrote:

That chimp is awwwwesome.

BTW. It was a great idea to give a chimp a loaded weapon that had the safety off. Undecided

Same thing we did with wonderful Ben!

Coop

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Re: who's the baddest mofo in this jungle? I is!
Johnny Oxygen wrote:

That chimp is awwwwesome.

BTW. It was a great idea to give a chimp a loaded weapon that had the safety off. Undecided

Wasn't it a metaphor for America...?

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(No subject)

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Poet and Johnny O, you just

Poet and Johnny O, you just aren't right!! Tongue out  (And no wonder my husband hates cats!)

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pinecarr
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Ok, xraymike; you're really

Ok, xraymike; you're really not right either!!  ;)

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Today's Dilbert

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