The Definitive Humor Thread

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

I have already put this in another thread but thought it worthy here

 

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread
Have seen this before, but it's worth another go in the current job climate!

Dear State Employee:
 
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas,  we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan,  older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting  the retention of younger people who represent our future.
 
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next  fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
 
This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).
 
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs  outside the company.
 
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before  actual retirement takes place.
This review phase of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of  Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).
 
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with  upper management.
 
This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following  Termination).
 
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once,  SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems  appropriate.
 
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to
get: H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early
Severance)
or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
 
As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee  who has received H.E.R.P.E.S . or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or  SCREWED by the company.
 
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that  the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:
Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.).
 
We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have  given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any  employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your  immediate supervisor.
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the  S.H.I.T. you can stand.
 
And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!
 
The State Management Team
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Billy Mays assassinated...?

In news today, Billy Mays the TV Frontman for OxyClean, KaBoom and other common HouseHold products, was found dead on Sunday, under unusual circumstances. As yet the cause of Mays death is unclear, however the flight he returned home on, had a hard landing, and Mays had suffered a bump on the head, which may have led to his untimely demise. The FAA are investigating the reasons for the hard landing and as yet have not made any firm statements as to the cause.

Anthony "Sully" Sullivan, when talking about Mays, his co-presenter on the Discovery Channel show "Pitchmen", mentioned a recent demonstration Mays returned from at Cedars Sinai where Mrs. Mabel Atkins (89) suffering stage 4 terminal cancer accidentally stumbled and got soaked with a concentrated OxyClean solution. Over the next few days Mabel began to improve and recent scans show she is completely cancer free, apparently Mays was investigating the cancer curing properties of OxyClean, just prior to his mysterious death. Cedars Sinai could not be contacted for comment.

James Slaymaker, an internet blogger and intelligence expert commenting on Mays death, and the circumstances around it said

"It's obvious to me, that Billy Mays was going to out OxyClean as the cure for cancer, but too many vested interests were concerned about their profits. Friends I have in the CIA, and NSA have confirmed to me, that Mays was assassinated by the FDA, and big Pharmaceutical companies, under direct presidential order signed by Joe Biden, since this kind of information in the main stream media would likely cause a panic, and impact the current economic growth we're seeing after the government bail outs."

The CIA and NSA were not available for comment, however Sarah Harper spokesperson of the FDA had this to say

"OxyClean has never been submitted for testing as a cancer curing agent to the FDA, we cannot substantiate claims that it has any benefits on this front. However let me strongly deny any accusations that the FDA is part of an assassination attempt on anyone. We certify medical treatments and devices, and do not inject anyone with any kind of chemical substances that may cause a death by cardiac distress or otherwise."

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The World According To Americans

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

That's precious, Sam, and also, unfortunately, probably controversial.

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread
mainecooncat wrote:

That's precious, Sam, and also, unfortunately, probably controversial.

Don't I get a waiver if it's funny?

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

LOL - good one Sam!  Of course, I don't know how many Americans think Canada is uninhabited... probably more "The Canuks Who Wanna Be US"   And I have to say, I think at leat 50% of Americans don't even realize that Alaska is part of the US  (seriously, tourists ask what language we speak and if they have to change their money to "Alaskan" all the time!!)

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread
PlicketyCat wrote:

LOL - good one Sam!  Of course, I don't know how many Americans think Canada is uninhabited... probably more "The Canuks Who Wanna Be US"   And I have to say, I think at leat 50% of Americans don't even realize that Alaska is part of the US  (seriously, tourists ask what language we speak and if they have to change their money to "Alaskan" all the time!!)

Plickety - I have first cousins in Canada that I often exchange jokes with. Needless to say, I did not send them this joke.

And I have to say, I think at leat 50% of Americans don't even realize that Alaska is part of the US  (seriously, tourists ask what language we speak and if they have to change their money to "Alaskan" all the time!!)

Unbelievable! Words fail me.... (a shock to everyone, no doubt)

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

Now Long Island wants to secede (Daily Show)

http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/mon-june-15-2009/long-island-wants-to-...

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

[]

[]

[]

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

Hey Damnthematrix,

Can you help us out and pinpoint where in the Great Down Under you live?  Thanks!

 

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

I was wondering why my chickens weren't producing eggs...

 

The Moderator just PM'd me and said any politically incorrect or in anyway offensive cartoons are not allowed - new policy, so here goes:

 

 

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread
Farmer Brown wrote:

Hey Damnthematrix,

Can you help us out and pinpoint where in the Great Down Under you live?  Thanks!

 

I'm laughing so hard I can barely type . . . Thanks, Patrick!

 

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread
Farmer Brown wrote:

I was wondering why my chickens weren't producing eggs...

 

The Moderator just PM'd me and said any politically incorrect or in anyway offensive cartoons are not allowed - new policy, so here goes:

 

Also, gooduns, Patrick . . . Very funny . . . . but disturbingly tragic, too . . . .

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

How Lord Of the Rings Should have Ended

How Star Wars Should Have Ended

 

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

The most hilarious part (for me) of The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy is when Ford Prefect and friends land on the Vogan planet  to save Trillian from the Vogans and everytime they think,  they get hit in the face with a flyswatter type creature.  The Vogans are a bureaucratic alien race, I'm thinking (ouch) that some of our govt types here on Earth could be from Vogan too. ;-) The funny part starts at 4:30.

 

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America's Money Hole? Pro or Con?

From the Onion News Network:

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/in_the_know_should_the_government?...

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Fear the Boom and the Bust

http://econstories.tv/home.html

Keynes vs Hayek in a rap duel

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

Thanks guys. God it is hard being full of righteous anger and existential angst all of the time.......

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

How PR works, ;-)

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

The Washington/Wall Street Hustle

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Easily Understandable Explanation of Derivative Markets

Easily Understandable Explanation of Derivative Markets

  Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in  Detroit . She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar. To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.

Heidi keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans). Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in  Detroit .

By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral.

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then bundled and traded on international security markets.

Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi.
Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and the eleven employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS drop in price by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the banks liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the various BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multi-billion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from their cronies in Government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who have never been in Heidi's bar.

Now do you understand?

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Re: Easily Understandable Explanation of Derivative Markets
Farmer Brown wrote:

Easily Understandable Explanation of Derivative Markets

  Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in  Detroit . She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar. To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.

Heidi keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans). Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in  Detroit .

By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral.

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then bundled and traded on international security markets.

Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi.
Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and the eleven employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS drop in price by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the banks liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the various BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multi-billion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from their cronies in Government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who have never been in Heidi's bar.

Now do you understand?

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

So who was this moronic risk manager who brought down the whole house by applying caution and logic to banking?!?!   Outrageous!  Off with his head!

 

 Heidi should have bribed him off by offering him a fat consulting job or the securities firm could have hired him as the oversight agency to keep swearing these were AAA bonds!  See problem solved,  part on and no crisis!

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

I needed a good laugh today, and one good turn deserves another...

http://firstworldprobs.com/

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

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U.S. Flag Recalled After Causing 143 Million Deaths

U.S. Flag Recalled After Causing 143 Million Deaths

WASHINGTON—Citing a series of fatal malfunctions dating back to 1777, flag manufacturer Annin & Company announced Monday that it would be recalling all makes and models of its popular American flag from both foreign and domestic markets.

Representatives from the nation's leading flag producer claimed that as many as 143 million deaths in the past two centuries can be attributed
directly to the faulty U.S. models, which have been utilized extensively since the 18th century in sectors as diverse as government, the military, and public education.

"It has come to our attention that, due to the inherent risks and hazards it poses, the American flag is simply unfit for general use,"
said Annin & Company president Ronald Burman, who confirmed that the number of flag-related deaths had noticeably spiked since 2003. "I would like to strongly urge all U.S. citizens: If you have an American flag hanging in your home or place of business, please discontinue using it
immediately. "

Added Burman, "The last thing we would want is for more innocent men and women around the world to die because of our product."

Millions of U.S. flag–related injuries and fatalities have been reported over a 230-year period in locations as far flung as Europe, Cuba, Korea,
Gettysburg, PA, the Philippines, and Iraq. In addition, the company found that U.S. flag exports to Vietnam during the late 1960s and early
1970s resulted in hundreds of thousands of deaths, a clear sign that there was something seriously wrong with its product.

Despite fears about the flag's safety—especially when improperly used or manipulated in ways not originally intended—sales continued unabated over the years, potentially putting billions of unsuspecting people in danger.

"At first, we wanted one of our flags in every home in America," Burman said. "Unfortunately, the practical applications of this product are far
outnumbered by the risks it presents. Millions have died needlessly, and when you ask people why, they point to the flag."

<http://www.theonion .com/articles/ us-flag-recalled -after-causing- 143-million- deaths,17248/ #enlarge> Unfortunate casualties of Old Glory’s near-continuous 230-year use.  Added Burman, "Frankly, we should have pulled it off the market decades ago."

Studies conducted by the Annin & Company research and development department revealed that faulty U.S. flags have caused more than just
injuries and deaths. During the mid-1950s, the flags were found to have the bizarre side effect of causing fear, paranoia, and hysterical
behavior among millions of Americans. This was dismissed as an isolated event until September 2001, when similar symptoms reemerged on a massive scale.

As hazardous as the flags may be on their own, Annin & Company officials claimed the products become even more dangerous when used in conjunction with other common household items.

"When combined with alcohol, excessive patriotism, grief, or well-intentioned but ultimately misguided ideals, U.S. flags transform
into ticking time bombs, just waiting to go off," Burman said.

Manufacturers are addressing the flag's unsafe and potentially lethal alignment of stars and stripes by designing a revised model that they
hope will cut down on deaths in the United States and overseas, where experts say the flag is nearly 1,000 times as deadly.

In the meantime, Annin & Company is advising all Americans to either ship their flags back to the manufacturer or, if no time permits,
dispose of them in an efficient manner.

"I understand that people might be reluctant to stop using a product they have found to be reliable over the years," Burman told reporters.
"But I can't in good conscience allow them to use something I know to be dangerous. We'll try to make adjustments soon and come up with something that benefits everybody rather than hurting them."

Added Burman, "In the interim, I would recommend that all Americans switch to the Canadian flag, which seems to be working just fine."

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Rappin Duke

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