The Definitive Humor Thread

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Vanityfox451's picture
Vanityfox451
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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

...and privately, I sniggered...

Best,

Paul

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

May 4ths Monty comic is hysterical. Dunno if I can copy it in but I'll try.

Here's the link...

http://comics.com/monty/2009-05-04/

 

 Monty - May 4, 2009

 

ooh, i think it worked!

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

Excellent post, suesullivan!

What a perfect comic for this thread and even more so for this site!

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

It's things like this that make me proud to be an American! 

Gas Powered La-Z-Boy At Oshkosh Flyin 2005

http://vimeo.com/1803735

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Sunday Dilbert

http://www.dilbert.com/2009-05-10/

 

I can't seem to copy it in, but it's worth clicking over to...

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

Sue, I agree -- Sunday's Dilbert was hilarious!  (I don't know how to post it either)  Quite a few recent ones have had an economic theme. Here's a link to the Dilbert website:

http://www.dilbert.com/strips/

becky

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

This seemed appropriate given the theme of many recent threads

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

The Knack!

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

Good one Sam. We sure can relate to that. Now they call it autism. I'm not sure a name helps?

Don

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

Don have you heard that a charactaristic of autism is a disconnect between the left and right halves of the brain? Similar to savant syndrome. I wonder what they see without the brain filtering everything? Maybe its something we can't even comprehend.

How many cases of autism get reported in NZ? Similar to the US?

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread
Bill MacGregor wrote:

Q: What's the difference between God and a surgeon?

A: God doesn't think he's a surgeon!

Hey, now! Surgeons don't think they're god, they know it...

And, how did I miss this thread until now?

Finally, "the knack" was what my friends and I referred to the intangible (and frequently elusive) ability to be successful with members of the opposite sex. If you had "the knack", you could do no wrong.  If not, you could do no right.

I probably shouldn't get into our "grading scale" for women...

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread
SPM wrote:

Don have you heard that a charactaristic of autism is a disconnect between the left and right halves of the brain? Similar to savant syndrome. I wonder what they see without the brain filtering everything? Maybe its something we can't even comprehend.

How many cases of autism get reported in NZ? Similar to the US?

Well, as an autistic (albeit on the high-functioning end of the spectrum), I can tell you that not every case has a total disconnect between left and right brain :)  In my case, it's more a situation of both sides being able to actively do different things at the same time... which can be great for multi-tasking, but seriously hard on the concentration.  And our brains do filter things, just not the same way or as effectively as NTs (neuro-typicals) in a lot of cases. For instance, I'm really hyperensitive to noise and light... I literally cannot focus on something if it's too bright or the TV/radio is on. I simply cannot filter out "background" stimuli unless I'm totally (i.e. obsessively) engaged with something. This can be extremely annoying, especially when on sense crosses with another... my vision gets weird when it's loud and my ears start ringing if it's too bright. But on the other hand, we do actually filter outgoing information... just that our filters aren't always socially acceptable ;)

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

Huh, thanks for the info. I was watching some thing on TV about the real rainman, thats what made me think about it. I wish I could remember the guys name though.

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread
NZsite wrote:

To date, the number of people with ASD in New Zealand has not been systematically determined. Estimates based on the prevalence rate given above suggest that over 40,000 people in New Zealand have ASD. However, the degree to which people with ASD are affected within their everyday life varies significantly.

http://www.minedu.govt.nz/educationSectors/SpecialEducation/ServicesAndF...

Doubt that the stats represent anything of much meaning or value. The son of a close friend and neighbour is labelled ASD and I have come to know him as well as I can through his 8 years. His world is very different to mine. Most of the people involved in their lives are paid to be.

Don

 

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

 

gotta love Dilbert

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The Egg trick by Dom Deluise on the Johnny Carson show

 

The Egg trick by Dom Deluise on the Johnny Carson show. Click on link and be prepared to laugh!

Egg trick

 

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

Another Onion "article". I'm not sure if this should be posted here, or in the "Controversial Topics" area...

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/shadow_government_getting?ut...

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

George Carlin was a great man.

http://www.youtube.com//watch?v=PGyObuH3WTY - Who really controls America. 

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

These days it's getting really tough to find a good spot to hide your gold and silver!

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

As far as I know, there is only one two-word anagram that can be made from "George Bush". It has two meanings, both of them entirely accurate and funny. Can anyone find the answer?

 

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

Grebe Sough
Buggers Hoe
Bugger Shoe
Bugger Hoes
Bugger Hose
Herb Gouges
Herbs Gouge
Bough Serge
 

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk fast.

CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb cutie is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin' Rednecks! ! !

CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that hottie Sally. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!

CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.

FRANK: You could put a #)$^@#*&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#*&! pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of lava-like terds, to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least the during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild now hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: - - - - - Mama?- - - (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

LOL Ready, so true! I've gone to several TX chili cook-offs when I lived there and thought I was going to die!  Of course, my ex-husband once told me my chicken wings were too mild. Not something you tell a gal who once lived in TX... the next batch gave him chemical burns

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

For Steve Martin Fans - Writing is Easy! From the June 24, 1996 New Yorker.

 

Writing is Easy!

Writing is the most easy, pain-free, and happy way to pass the time of all the arts. As I write this, for example, I am sitting comfortable in my rose garden and typing on my new computer. Each rose represents a story, so I'm never at a loss for what to type. I just look deep into the heart of the rose, read its story, and then write it down. I could be typing kjfiu joew.mv jiw and enjoy it as much as typing words that actually make sense, because I simply relish the movements of my fingers on the keys. It is true that sometimes agony visits the head of a writer. At those moments, I stop writing and relax with a coffee at my favorite restaurant, knowing that words can be changed, rethought, fiddled with, and ultimately denied. Painters don't have that luxury. If they go to a coffee shop, their paint dries into a hard mass.

LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION

I would like to recommend that all writers live in California, because here, in between those moments when one is looking into the heart of a rose, on can look up at the calming blue sky. I feel sorry for writers - and there are some pretty famous ones - who live in places like South American and Czechoslovakia, where I imagine it gets pretty dank. These writers are easy to spot. Their books are often filled with disease and negativity. If you're going to write about disease, I would say California is the place to do it. Dwarfism is never funny, but look at what happened when it was dealt with in California. Seven happy dwarfs. Can you imagine seven dwarfs in Czechoslovakia? You would get seven melancholic dwarfs at best - seven melancholic dwarfs and no handicap-parking spaces.

LOVE IN THE TIME OF CHOLERA:
WHY IT'S A BAD TITLE

I admit that "Love in the time of . . ." is a great title, up to a point. You're reading along, you're happy, it's about love. I like the way the word time comes in - a nice, nice feeling. Then the morbid Cholera appears. I was happy till then. Why not "Love in the Time of the Blue, Blue, Bluebirds"? "Love in the Time of Oozing Sores and Pustules" is probably an earlier title the author used as he was writing in a rat-infested tree house on an old Smith Corona. This writer, whoever he is, could have used a couple of weeks in Pacific Daylight Time.

A LITTLE EXPERIMENT

I took the following passage, which was no doubt written in some depressing place, and attempted to rewrite it under the sunny influence of California:

Most people deceive themselves with a pair of faiths: they believe in eternal memory (of people, things, deeds, nations) and in redresibility (of deeds, mistakes, sins, wrongs). Both are false faiths. In reality the opposite is true: everything will be forgotten and nothing will be redressed. - Milan Kundera.

Sitting in my garden, watching the bees glide from flower to flower, I let the above paragraph filter through my mind. The following New Paragraph emerged:

I feel pretty,

Oh so pretty,

I feel pretty, and witty, and bright.

Kundera was just too wordy. Sometimes the delete key is your best friend.

WRITER'S BLOCK: A MYTH

Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol. Sure, a writer can get stuck for a while, but when that happens to a real author - say, a Socrates or a Rodman - he goes out and gets an "as told to." The alternative is to hire yourself out as an "as heard from," thus taking all the credit. The other trick I use when I have a momentary stoppage is virtually foolproof, and I'm happy to pass it along. Go to an already published novel and find a sentence that you absolutely adore. Copy it down in your manuscript. Usually, that sentence will lead you to another sentence, and pretty soon your own ideas will start to flow. If they don't, copy down the next sentence in the novel. You can safely use up to three sentences of someone else's work - unless you're friends, then two. The odds of being found out are very slim, and even if you are there's usually no jail time.

A DEMONSTRATION OF
ACTUAL WRITING

It's easy to talk about writing, and even easier to do it. Watch:

Call me Ishmael. It was cold, very cold here in the mountain of Kilimanjaroville.® I could hear a bell. It was tolling.¹ I knew exactly for who it was tolling, too. It was tolling for me, Ishmael Twist.© [Author's note: I am now stuck. I walk over to a rose and look into its heart.] That's right, Ishmael Twist.©

This is an example of what I call "pure" Writing, which occurs when there is no possibility of its becoming a screenplay. Pure writing is the most rewarding of all, because it is constantly accompanied by a voice that repeats, "Why am I writing this?" Then, and only then, can the writer hope for his finest achievement: the voice of the reader uttering its complement, "Why am I reading this?"

¹This sentence written by Steve Martin as heard from Cindy Adams

June 24, 1996
The New Yorker
By Steve Martin

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

 

Writing is Easy!

Writing is the most easy, pain-free, and happy way to pass the time of all the arts. As I write this, for example, I am sitting comfortable in my rose garden and typing on my new computer. Each rose represents a story, so I'm never at a loss for what to type. I just look deep into the heart of the rose, read its story, and then write it down. I could be typing kjfiu joew.mv jiw and enjoy it as much as typing words that actually make sense, because I simply relish the movements of my fingers on the keys. It is true that sometimes agony visits the head of a writer. At those moments, I stop writing and relax with a coffee at my favorite restaurant, knowing that words can be changed, rethought, fiddled with, and ultimately denied. Painters don't have that luxury. If they go to a coffee shop, their paint dries into a hard mass.

LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION

I would like to recommend that all writers live in California, because here, in between those moments when one is looking into the heart of a rose, on can look up at the calming blue sky. I feel sorry for writers - and there are some pretty famous ones - who live in places like South American and Czechoslovakia, where I imagine it gets pretty dank. These writers are easy to spot. Their books are often filled with disease and negativity. If you're going to write about disease, I would say California is the place to do it. Dwarfism is never funny, but look at what happened when it was dealt with in California. Seven happy dwarfs. Can you imagine seven dwarfs in Czechoslovakia? You would get seven melancholic dwarfs at best - seven melancholic dwarfs and no handicap-parking spaces.

LOVE IN THE TIME OF CHOLERA:
WHY IT'S A BAD TITLE

I admit that "Love in the time of . . ." is a great title, up to a point. You're reading along, you're happy, it's about love. I like the way the word time comes in - a nice, nice feeling. Then the morbid Cholera appears. I was happy till then. Why not "Love in the Time of the Blue, Blue, Bluebirds"? "Love in the Time of Oozing Sores and Pustules" is probably an earlier title the author used as he was writing in a rat-infested tree house on an old Smith Corona. This writer, whoever he is, could have used a couple of weeks in Pacific Daylight Time.

A LITTLE EXPERIMENT

I took the following passage, which was no doubt written in some depressing place, and attempted to rewrite it under the sunny influence of California:

Most people deceive themselves with a pair of faiths: they believe in eternal memory (of people, things, deeds, nations) and in redresibility (of deeds, mistakes, sins, wrongs). Both are false faiths. In reality the opposite is true: everything will be forgotten and nothing will be redressed. - Milan Kundera.

Sitting in my garden, watching the bees glide from flower to flower, I let the above paragraph filter through my mind. The following New Paragraph emerged:

I feel pretty,

Oh so pretty,

I feel pretty, and witty, and bright.

Kundera was just too wordy. Sometimes the delete key is your best friend.

WRITER'S BLOCK: A MYTH

Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol. Sure, a writer can get stuck for a while, but when that happens to a real author - say, a Socrates or a Rodman - he goes out and gets an "as told to." The alternative is to hire yourself out as an "as heard from," thus taking all the credit. The other trick I use when I have a momentary stoppage is virtually foolproof, and I'm happy to pass it along. Go to an already published novel and find a sentence that you absolutely adore. Copy it down in your manuscript. Usually, that sentence will lead you to another sentence, and pretty soon your own ideas will start to flow. If they don't, copy down the next sentence in the novel. You can safely use up to three sentences of someone else's work - unless you're friends, then two. The odds of being found out are very slim, and even if you are there's usually no jail time.

A DEMONSTRATION OF
ACTUAL WRITING

It's easy to talk about writing, and even easier to do it. Watch:

Call me Ishmael. It was cold, very cold here in the mountain of Kilimanjaroville.® I could hear a bell. It was tolling.¹ I knew exactly for who it was tolling, too. It was tolling for me, Ishmael Twist.© [Author's note: I am now stuck. I walk over to a rose and look into its heart.] That's right, Ishmael Twist.©

This is an example of what I call "pure" Writing, which occurs when there is no possibility of its becoming a screenplay. Pure writing is the most rewarding of all, because it is constantly accompanied by a voice that repeats, "Why am I writing this?" Then, and only then, can the writer hope for his finest achievement: the voice of the reader uttering its complement, "Why am I reading this?"

¹This sentence written by Steve Martin as heard from Cindy Adams

June 24, 1996
The New Yorker
By Steve Martin

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RayTomes
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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread
Dogs_In_A_Pile wrote:

Grebe Sough
Buggers Hoe
Bugger Shoe
Bugger Hoes
Bugger Hose
Herb Gouges
Herbs Gouge
Bough Serge
 

You clearly have a better anagram program than the one I used on internet. Although some unusual words there.

Anyway, the one that I was referring to was Shoe Bugger.

It can mean either:

* The guy who got the shoe thrown at him, or

* Go away you cretin

Works both ways.  :-)

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

I have other skills and gifts but cutting and pasting cartoons clearly not among them.  Here is today's Dilbert link, about who really caused the crisis.....enjoy!

http://www.dilbert.com/dyn/str_strip/000000000/00000000/0000000/000000/50000/4000/500/54569/54569.strip.gif

 

Denise

 

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Vanityfox451
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Posts: 1636
All Creatures Great And Small...

... ...

Best,

Paul

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gregroberts
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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

INVESTMENT BANKING EXPLAINED

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry Chuck, but I have some bad news. The donkey died.'"

Chuck replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said," 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Chuck said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with a dead donkey?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Chuck now works for Morgan Stanley.

 

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