The Definitive Humor Thread

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Morpheus
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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread
SamLinder wrote:
Pete In Florida wrote:
SamLinder wrote:

This site is entirely too serious at times. We all need to laugh at least once a day so I'm going to kick off this thread with a cartoon and hope that everyone will chime in on occasion with a comic, cartoon, joke, or funny story

I wanted to insert a specific Bizarro comic here because it is so appropriate to the world we live in. However, the source is blocking my ability to do so. Thus, my first bit of humor will force you to click on the link. So sorry. Frown

http://www.seattlepi.com/fun/Bizarro.asp?date=20090413

If it doesn't work the first time, refresh your screen and the comic should appear.

I'm sick of laughing at myself all the time. It's not good for the old self-esteem.

Can I laugh at you though? Hee hee hee ;)

Only if it makes you laugh!  Wink

 

Completely irrelevant. :)

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

Best,

Paul

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SamLinder
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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

Guts or Balls
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

Wife- I want something that goes 0 to 160 in three seconds.

 

Husband- How about a bathroom scale?

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pir8don
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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

Maybe the moderators will let me get away with this one if I don't embed it.

[Ed. note: No.]

Tiger lillies rock.

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

Ok they should allow this but don't follow unless you are very weird. Came to me courtesy of Ran Prieur.

http://myfirstdictionary.blogspot.com/

Ever wonder why anti religious gets hit on harder than sexism?

Don

_______________________________________

There is a crack in everything, thats how the light gets in

Leonard Cohen Lyric

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Cloudfire
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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread
pir8don wrote:

Ever wonder why anti religious gets hit on harder than sexism?

Because God is more powerful than women?    Yup . . . . . 'twas me who flagged it . . .

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

This is darkly funny, and particularly apropos in our current environment.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lesley-stern/how-to-live-on-0-a-day-st_b_1...

Arthur

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

A Catholic Priest, Baptist Minister, and a Jewish Rabbi were discussing how they divide up the offerings between their church and God, the Catholic Priest said that "I just draw a 6 foot circle around me and throw the money up in the air, whatever lands in the circle goes to the church the rest goes to God". The other two nod their heads in agreement, then the Baptist Minister says, "I put a box next to me and throw the the money up in the air and whatever lands in the box goes to the church and rest goes to God". The  other two nod in agreement, then the Jewish Rabbi says, "I throw the money up in the air and whatever God grabs is his the rest goes to the church".

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SamLinder
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Looks just like my cat - full of energy! :-(

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SamLinder
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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

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jerrydon10
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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

LOL.....Good one, Greg

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Damnthematrix
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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

 

TWENTY EIGHT LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1 My husband and I divorced over religious differences.. He thought he was God and I didn't..
2
.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3..
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them..
4..
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.


cid:002f01c9c530$398a8050$0201a8c0@acepc
 
 
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7....
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8..
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9..
I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.


 
 cid:003001c9c530$398a8050$0201a8c0@acepc
 
 
10.   Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13..
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14..
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

 

cid:003101c9c530$398cca40$0201a8c0@acepc
 
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17..
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18
. Procrastinate Now!
 
 

cid:003201c9c530$398cca40$0201a8c0@acepc
 
 
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20..
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21..
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
 
 

cid:003301c9c530$398cca40$0201a8c0@acepc
 
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24
... He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
 
 
cid:003401c9c530$398cca40$0201a8c0@acepc
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.

 

cid:003501c9c530$398cca40$0201a8c0@acepc
 

26
..Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27..
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
 
 

cid:003601c9c530$398cca40$0201a8c0@acepc
 
 
28.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

Q: What's the difference between God and a surgeon?

A: God doesn't think he's a surgeon!

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

Hellmann's Mayonnaise - a bit of history
 
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England . In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New  York.
 
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
 
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
 
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko De Mayo.
 
WHAT??? You expected something educational from me?
 
You need a shot of Single Malt Scotch after that don't you?

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

Can't speak for everyone but I find this funny :)

http://io9.com/5230322/eleven-visions-of-life-after-the-great-epidemic

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Cloudfire
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Black Humor
Zombie210 wrote:

Can't speak for everyone but I find this funny :)

http://io9.com/5230322/eleven-visions-of-life-after-the-great-epidemic

Sorry to bring in a serious note, but these film clips are an excellent example of how we've been conditioned to panic in the face of an epidemic.  Ok, back to silliness. . . . .

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

Good rainy Saturday or Sunday movie, Evil Dead 1 + 2 are funny too

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Gungnir
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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

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keelba
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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

Two terrorists cross paths one day after having not seen each other for a very long time. They immediately get to talking and reminiscing. Eventually one pulls out some photos of his kids. He pulls one out and tells the other, "This Achmed, he's a martyr now." The other terrorist nods showing his sympathy. Then he pulls out another picture, sighs and says, "This is Hassan, he's a martyr now too." The other terrorist says, "They blow up so quick don't they..."

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SamLinder
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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

Times haven't changed much!

Mother Goose & Grimm

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SamLinder
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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

For you conspiracy types - wherever you are. 

Non Sequitur:

 

 

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

The onion:

Nation Ready To Be Lied To About Economy Again

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/nation_ready_to_be_lied_to_about

 

I guess this is only half funny, because I still feel like we *are* being lied to.  Anyway, I love the onion...

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

sorry, didn't post

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jerrydon10
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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

I love the Onion too. Here's another one. Why do I need all these Constitutional Rights?

http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/what_the_hell_am_i_supposed_to?u...

 

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

Under Capitalism, man exploits man.   Under Socialism, it's the exactly the opposite.

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Gungnir
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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread
cmartenson wrote:

Under Capitalism, man exploits man.   Under Socialism, it's the exactly the opposite.

Whoa Chris is that a joke, or a truism?

Or maybe like all good jokes, its just pointing out an observation of the ridiculous.

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Vanityfox451
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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

"A husband is what's left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed".

- Lou Costello

http://www.comedylegends.org.uk/Abbott___Costello/Lou_s_Biography/body_lou_s_biography.html

Best,

Paul

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 -foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

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