The Definitive Humor Thread

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Michael_Rudmin
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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar, and orders a black cherry punch whisky sour with a slice of lime. The bartender says "very good", goes over and gets the glasses; he picks up one, looks at it -- it's dirty. So he sets it aside, and gets another glass. He holds it up to the light -- there definitely is a smeared fingerprint there -- it's dirty too. So he gets a third glass, and inspects it -- there's a lip mark. It's dirty too. So he takes the three glasses over to the bar's dishwasher, hands them to the dishwasher, and asks, "what's wrong with this?" So the dish washer looks at the glasses, says "I don't know," and hands the bartender three new, clean glasses. The bartender inspects each one -- clean, clean, and clean.He then goes back, takes one of the glasses, and measures out the bourbon, and sets in a few cloves, a cinnamon stick, and squeezes in some fresh grapefruit, lemon, and lime. The lime he sets aside on a plate; the others he discards. Into another glass he pours a measure of black cherry punch. He pours off the bourbon into the glass, slides in the crushed ice, puts it in a shaker, and shakes it up. Knees loose, he shakes it for a full twenty seconds, pours it into a glass, adds an equal amount of perrier spring water, picks up the slice of lime, puts it on the glass and serves it to the patron.

The patron takes a sip, makes a grimace, takes another sip, makes a face. By the time he gets towards the bottom of the glass, he looks at the bartender and says, "I think I know what's wrong." The bartender asks, "what is that?" The man says, "well, to be honest, I feel a little bit cheated." "How so? " asks the bartender. "I assure you, I measured in the right amount of everything." "No, no, it isn't that. It's that I ordered a black cherry punch whisky sour with a slice of lime; and I think I waited at least five minutes; and now I'm getting to the end, and I discover there's no punch in my line!

Locksmithuk's picture
Locksmithuk
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I see your joke and raise you....
In the office today a large spider appeared, and all my colleagues urged me to take it out instead of killing it. 
 
So we went out, had some drinks and a few laughs. He’s a very cool guy  
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Locksmithuk
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Proper joke
Locksmithuk wrote:
In the office today a large spider appeared, and all my colleagues urged me to take it out instead of killing it. 
 
So we went out, had some drinks and a few laughs. He’s a very cool guy  
 
The problem with starting to write a joke when you're in the waiting room for dental surgery is that your name is called just when you're getting to the punchline, and you end up not finishing your joke. You have to start again. So...
 
In the office today a large spider appeared, and all my colleagues urged me to take it out instead of killing it. 
 
So we went out, had some drinks and a few laughs. He’s a very cool guy 
DennisC's picture
DennisC
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It's All About Choices

DennisC's picture
DennisC
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I'm Keeping Tabs

Wolf's Fed "speak-o-meter" comment reminded me of a fun game the trouble makers in the back of the conference room, (not me of course), kept themselves occupied with during fed staff meetings.  Win-win for everyone, eh?  Thought I'd throw this out there to see if it sticks.  Contact me offline if you want to discuss further.  No wuckus.

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ezlxq1949
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Seen in the Pub

A man is in the pub drinking with his mates. After a while the seal is broken and he goes to the loo, leaving his half drunk glass of beer on the counter.

When he gets back he finds the glass empty. Annoyed, he orders another. Of course, nature calls again before he's finished drinking it, so again he leaves it trustingly on the counter.

And again, when he gets back it's empty. OK, once more: orders another but is called away before finishing it. Once you start going, you've got to go often, don't you... This time he writes a message on a coaster and leaves it on top of the half-empty glass of beer: I SPAT IN THIS BEER.

When he gets back the beer is untouched but the message has been added to: SO DID I.

 

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DennisC
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Green New Deal

Hopefully, Chris and Adam didn't have romaine salad, split pea soup, and some norovirus for dinner. Chum overboard!

If you're fortunate to have the correct combination of "drinking genes", go get loaded (or pissed) today/tomorrow.

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Michael_Rudmin
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The Ham's Soliloquey

I know we've all been here, so I'm going to throw this into the Definitive Humor thread.

It's the Ham's Soliloquey.

To pee, or not to pee, that is the question,
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous pangs,
Or to take movemnt against that sea of troubles,
And by not opposing, end them? To release: to hold back;
No more; and by a rest to say we end
The bowel-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To relax, to let go;
To let go: perchance to yield: ay, then there's the rub;
For in that itch of death what stains may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal garb,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so white a cloth;
For who would bear the whips and scourges of time,
The toilet wrong'd, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised ablution's, the purification's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurnings
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fartlets bear,
To grunt and sweat under a wearsome air,
But that the dread of something after,
The undiscover'd prize from whose borning
No hand-washer returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscientiousness does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and movement
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And we lose the name of action.

(okay, okay... technically a bodkin is a stilleto. But methinks your mind's eye, being contextual, will put a different image in.)

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sand_puppy
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When the asteroid is finally sighted....

Michael_Rudmin's picture
Michael_Rudmin
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Posts: 1041
Chicken

So... why did the chicken cross the road?

> to get to your house.

Knock knock.//who's there?// chicken.

Chicken who?

> Chicken who crossed the road to get to your house.

Why did YOU cross the road?

> To take the chicken back.

What do you get when you cross a road with a chicken?

> An egg. The grocery store is across the road, on the way.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

> The chicken.

What do you get when you cross a road with an egg?

> A chicken.

Knock knock. //who's there?//chicken

Chicken who?//I think you should know this chicken by now.

What goes with chicken?

The egg.

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