The Definitive Humor Thread

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thc0655's picture
thc0655
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'Nuff said

Time2help's picture
Time2help
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Nailed it, THC

Listen up, kiddos.

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Michael_Rudmin
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Peak Prosperity theme song

Please understand : I am very much into peak prosperity. But part of keeping healthy while we wait for the oh-so-slow part of "is that a puddle down at the bottom of the stadium" is to keep a healthy sense of humor, and keep it at the forefront.

That way, we can say "well, Gold SHOULD go through the roof, but if it doesn't, make sure your eggs aren't all in that basket, and not go crazy if things don't break the way we thought.

But in line with that, I think that we should actually make a Peak Prosperity mascot of a duck, and have the following quote and theme video link posted somewhere near the front.

We could also use as our search engine "duck duck go".

"Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath." - Michael Caine

"Be like a duck"

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God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule

 

God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule

"Look, I don't know, maybe I haven't made myself completely clear, so for the record, here it is again," said the Lord, His divine face betraying visible emotion during a press conference ......

"Somehow, people keep coming up with the idea that I want them to kill their neighbor. ... Not only do I not want anybody to kill anyone, but I specifically commanded you not to, in really simple terms that anybody ought to be able to understand."

"Humans don't need religion or God as an excuse to kill each other—you've been doing that without any help from Me since you were freaking apes!" God said. "The whole point of believing in God is to have a higher standard of behavior. How obvious can you get?"

"I'm talking to all of you, here!  Don't kill each other anymore—ever! I'm fucking serious!"

Worshipped by Christians, Jews, and Muslims alike, God said His name has been invoked countless times over the centuries as a reason to kill.

I don't care how holy somebody claims to be," God said. "If a person tells you it's My will that they kill someone, they're wrong. Got it? I don't care what religion you are, or who you think your enemy is, here it is one more time: No killing.

The press conference came as a surprise to humankind, as God rarely intervenes in earthly affairs. As a matter of longstanding policy, He has traditionally left the task of interpreting His message and divine will to clerics, rabbis, priests, imams, and Biblical scholars.

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Michael_Rudmin
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I classify this as a paradigm shift joke

Atten-TION!

At ease.

Atten-TION!

At ease.

Simon SAYS Attention!

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Time2help
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No 'specific and credible threat' to U.S. ahead of Thanksgiving

No 'specific and credible threat' to U.S. ahead of Thanksgiving holiday (CNN)

Michael_Rudmin's picture
Michael_Rudmin
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And a homophone joke:

When a swan lays an egg, do you know that it signifies? (cygnifies)

Wendy S. Delmater's picture
Wendy S. Delmater
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Dave Barry strikes again

In financial news, the stock market unexpectedly plunges more than 1,000 points. Small investors are urged not to panic by financial experts who (a) did not predict the plunge, (b) cannot explain why it happened, (c) have no earthly idea what will happen next, and (d) have their own money invested in collectible refrigerator magnets.

Dave Barry's 2015 Year in Review column is up and it's hilarious.

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goes211
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Stormtroopers' 9/11

sand_puppy's picture
sand_puppy
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Prejudicial treatment of skilled persons will not be permitted

A sign

"Employing people based on their ability to do a job ostracizes those with little or no skill and has no place in an inclusive society."

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Cornelius999
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I'll give everybody 2 laughs

I'll give everybody 2 laughs now:   1.   I only discovered this site now.

                                                       2.   I only actually saw the like button for what it does yesterday.

How can my future be bleak?

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Wendy S. Delmater
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Monsanto Lab On Lockdown After Scientists Find Shattered Tomato

Monsanto Lab On Lockdown After Scientists Find Shattered Tomato Containment Unit (the Onion)

SOCORRO, NM—Initiating emergency procedures and sealing security doors throughout the complex, scientists at Monsanto reportedly placed the agrochemical company’s main laboratory on lockdown Thursday after discovering a shattered, empty tomato containment unit.

According to sources onsite, technicians arrived at the lab’s secure vegetable isolation chamber at 8 a.m. to find the room’s armed guards lying dead on the floor next to what remained of Specimen 323-A’s 6-inch-thick tempered-glass container, which appeared to have been ruptured from the inside. . . .

DennisC's picture
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Happy New Year!

新年快乐

 

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Arthur Robey
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Thanks Dennis

Made my day. 

(He says with great restraint. ) 

DennisC's picture
DennisC
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Second Floor Office Furniture

or something else?

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Doug
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Greatest vid I've seen in a long time

The Donald gets his comeupance:

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007

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Good Idea Sand Puppy, I will

put this here also. David Rovics tribute to DT.

 

sand_puppy's picture
sand_puppy
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Doc Vader is Depressed--"right in the buttocks"

Hospital administrators are very concerned with patient satisfaction scores and increasingly the income of hospital based physicians (like ED docs) are tied to those scores.

Apparently Darth Vader's new job in the Emergency Department is not going well.  He has been called in to talk with the hospital administrator.

http://zdoggmd.com/doc-vader-vs-hospital-administrator/

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Wendy S. Delmater
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ah, metrics

My husband works at at Fortune 300 company and they have instituted SAP, as far as I can tell so that they can exert top down control on metrics to meet SHORT TERM financial goals to affect stock prices. 

This does not translate down well to those who are actually the long-term cash cows that keep the company solvent. It's either laugh or cry.

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sand_puppy
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Mexico will pay for Trump's Wall!

Time2help's picture
Time2help
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Ayahuasca Shaman Dreading Another Week...

Ayahuasca Shaman Dreading Another Week Of Guiding Tech CEOs To Spiritual Oneness

Quote:

IQUITOS, PERU—Saying he was trying not to think about how awful the next few days would be, master ayahuasca shaman Piero Salazar expressed his sense of dread Tuesday as he confirmed his week would once again be spent guiding American tech CEOs to spiritual oneness.

"I’m not sure if I can take another one of them telling me how some guy named Ryan or Spencer from their ZogSports league turned them onto ‘the whole ayahuasca thing.' "


 

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Alternative lyrics

Some of these, you'll know the line from the first line.

"I left my heart.... in San Francisco.  I left my lungs in South LA.  I left my hands in Napa Vaaaalley.  My body image... has gone away."

(Bangles: Eternal flame)

"Come with me, take my hand. Can you hear my voice screaming?  Do you understand?  Am I going insane?  Am I only dreaming?  Is the journey an eternal pain? \\ I believe, I've already said:  No you can't have some ice cream!  Ooh, my aching head.  Am I going insane?  Am I only dreaming?  Is this journey an eternal pain? \\ Say my name, please don't wear it out. No i didn't mean to hurt you, you needn't stand and pout.  No you still can't have some ice cream .... Oooooh... .  \\\  Come with me, take my hand.  I can't believe I bought you ice cream.  I don't understand.  I think I've gone insane, please tell me that I'm dreaming.   Is this journey, an eternal PAAAAIIIIN?

(Bill Clinton's inauguration song, for those who remember it... Happy Days)

Tax and spend is here again, for perks and programs without end.  The president's a generous friend of tax and spend again.  \\\ If you've got money give us a call, we want it now, we want it all.  A penny saved's no good at all to tax and spend again.  \\\ Who care's if lending's at an end, the Federal Bank has rules that bend.  We'll raise the limits once again, and tax and spend again!  \\\ More programs bring more poverty, so we can run this thing to infinity!  And make everybody bend the knee, so we can tax and spend, tax and spend, tax and spend again!

(Songs from my all cow Thursday:  Basically, the intent was to change normal songs to cow-related lyrics).

(Silly little love songs)

How can I explain all that grass means to me.  How can I ever let my feelings show.  I'd like to explain all that grass means to me.  What's wrong with that?  I'd like to know, because here I go AGAIN!!!!  I  Looove to Moo!!!  I looove to moo!  I Looove to moo.  I  looove to moo.   Moos don't just come in a minute!  Sometimes they don't come at all.  But once your moood gets in it, you have a real cow-call!!!  (MOOOOOO)..  I   looove to mooo!  I love to mo!!!!

(Piano man)

It's nine O'clock at the cattle barn.  The whole Holstein herd shuffles in.  And cow after cow lines up next to me, because milk-times about to begin.  Now the cow at bar is a friend of mine.  She gives me all my milk for free, and Bessie is bossy, and surely will toss me, if I don't milk her perfectly. 

 

 

Michael_Rudmin's picture
Michael_Rudmin
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Book Review Requested

Just hoping for a book review...

Has anyone yet read the either of the following two books?

"Forgotten" by Noah Natanya Moore
"Alternative Fuels" by Pete Moss, Wilbur Knicely and Scott Lowe Price
"Making Your Exit" by Bridgette Burns
 

 

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Wendy S. Delmater
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Answers ...

Michael_Rudmin's picture
Michael_Rudmin
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Tell me a story?

Bill: Tell me a story
Dad: What kind of story?
Bill: I want a story, one of those that looks like nonsense, sounds like nonsense, but isn't nonsense.
Dad: I don't know any stories like that. Who's been telling you such stories?
Bill: Uncle Bob does. He calls them a Para-bull.

sand_puppy's picture
sand_puppy
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Celebrate George Orwell's Birthday

DennisC's picture
DennisC
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"Wing Attack Plan R"

Supposedly allows a general officer to issue the attack order (kind of like the Al Haig and the "I'm in charge here" moment).  Is it just me or does the communications specialist in the clip look like Carlos Danger.

Major Kong, R.I.P.

DennisC's picture
DennisC
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Gruß und Kuss

What's funnier, a monkey with a machine gun or this? Happy New Year (again)?

http://www.gettyimages.com/detail/news-photo/monkey-kisses-the-cardboard...

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Michael_Rudmin
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Another mixed lyrics song

Before introducing my alternative lyrics songs (two of them... a riddle: What do you call general medicines for nail care? Answer at the bottom.

"Cab", by Train

(Original is pretty good: it is here.)

Now here's the remixed lyrics.

New York city,
Built with a million miles of road,
All of them known, as places to roam.
Seen from another point of view,
If all nine lives used up no-one knows,
One of the roads is a permanent home.

The days are long and the nights are oh so cold
But sometimes I feel like I'm the only cat on the road.

Lost a couple pounds today; fed some vultures on the way; I can't complain --nobody would hear.

They all roll on past at fifty five; most of the drivers will steer shy; better that way, than when they're too near.

The days are long and the nights are oh so cold
But sometimes I feel like I'm the only cat on the road.
The tires don't feel so bad after that first blow; but sometimes I feel like I'm the only cat on the road.

Sometimes I think I'm not all there; I've toughend my skin if I've lost some hair.

The days are long and the nights are oh so cold
But sometimes I feel like I'm the only cat on the road.
The tires don't feel so bad after that first blow; but sometimes I feel like I'm the only cat on the road.
---- ------ ------

And Then, to be completely fair about my gallows humor, to the cheery tune of "four leaf clover":

I'm driving over, a dog named "Rover", that I used to know before

The first day he was thinner, the second lost some fur; and the third there were vultures to dine with him there.

Now there's no need explaining, that what's remaining, I've already been over before, because I'm driving over, a dog named Rover, that I used to know before!!!

Answer to the riddle: a pharma-cuticle.

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