The Definitive Humor Thread

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goes211
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An Obituary
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense,
who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he
was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red
tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable
lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not
children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old
boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher
fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his
condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing
the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their
unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but
could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to
have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became
businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their
victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed
to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a
little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust,
by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his
son, Reason.


He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:

-I Know My Rights
-I Want It Now
-Someone Else Is To Blame
-I'm A Victim
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MF Global Nigerian Scam letter

Subject: Nigerian Astronaut Wants To Come Home

Dr. Bakare Tunde Obama III

Astronautics Project Manager

MF GLOBAL NIGERIA 4-1-9

Plot 555 Wall Street Street

PMB 437
Garki, Abuja,

FCT NIGERIA

Dear Mr. Sir,

URGENT ELECTRONIC EMAIL REQUEST FOR ASSISTANCE-STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL

I am Dr. Bakare Tunde Obama III, the cousin of Nigerian Astronaut, Barrister Jon Corzine. He was the first African commodities broker in space when he made a secret flight to the Salyut 6 space station in 1979. He was on a later Soviet spaceflight, Soyuz T-16Z to the secret Soviet military space station Salyut 8T in 1989. He was stranded there in 1990 when the Soviet Union was dissolved. His other Soviet crew members returned to earth on the Soyuz T-16Z, but his place was taken up by return cargo destinated to the good offices of JP Morgan & Co. There have been occasional Progrez supply flights to keep him going since that time.

He is in good humor, but wants to come home.

In the 14-years since he has been on the station, he has accumulated and segregated customer accounts, flight pay and interest amounting to almost $ 1.5 billion American Dollars. This is held in a Madoff trust at JP Morgan's Lagos Branch. If we can obtain access to this money, we can place a down payment with the Russian Space Authorities for a Soyuz return flight to bring him back to Earth. I am told this will cost $ 30,000,000 American Dollars.

In order to access the his trust fund we need your assistance.

Consequently, my colleagues and I are willing to transfer the total amount to your account or subsequent disbursement, since we as licensed commodities brokers are prohibited by the Chicago Metal's Exchange Code of Conduct Bureau (and CFTC Laws) from opening and/ or operating customer accounts in our own names during normal CME trading hours.

Needless to say, the trust reposed on you at this juncture is enormous. In return, we have agreed to offer you 20 percent of the transferred sum, while 10 percent shall be set aside for incidental hedging expenses (internal and external) between the counter parties in the course of the transaction. You will be mandated to remit the balance 70 percent to other commingled accounts in due course.

Kindly expedite action as we are behind schedule to enable us include downpayment in this financial quarter.

Please acknowledge the receipt of this message via my direct number 234 (0) 9-234-2220 only.

Yours Sincerely,

Dr. Bakare Tunde Obama III

Astronautics Project Manager

MF GLOBAL
NIGERIA 4-1-9

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Keynesion Pretzel Logic

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g18weOYUiWM&feature=related}

Harry

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Harry Reid Makes a Joke

 

 

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Harry Browne on Social Security

Too bad he died.

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a better life....

I just got this from my sister who is preparing for the effects of the Hovensa refinery closure in St. Croix.  I'm stoked she still has her sense of humor-  Aloha, Steve.

 

My Next Life

I want to live my next life backwards! You start out dead and get
that out of the way right off the bat. Then, you wake up in a nursing
home feeling better every day. When you are kicked out of the home for
being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement
and collecting benefit checks. When you start work, you get a gold
watch on your first day. You work 40 years or so, getting younger
every day until pretty soon you're too young to work. So then, you go
to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party. As you get even
younger, you become a kid again. You go to elementary school, play,
and have no responsibilities. In a few years, you become a baby and
everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy. You spend your last
9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions:

central heating, room service on tap. Until finally...You finish off as an
orgasm.

I rest my case.

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Best Ever!

Thanks, Steve! I suspect that's been traveling around as a email, but I hadn't seen it before. My 85 year old father will love it (it's probably been a while since he's finished off anything with an orgasm)...

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Transformer or Decepticon? It's your choice!

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Dihydrogen Monoxide FAQ

http://www.dhmo.org/facts.html

What is Dihydrogen Monoxide?

Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO) is a colorless and odorless chemical compound, also referred to by some as Dihydrogen Oxide, Hydrogen Hydroxide, Hydronium Hydroxide, or simply Hydric acid. Its basis is the highly reactive hydroxyl radical, a species shown to mutate DNA, denature proteins, disrupt cell membranes, and chemically alter critical neurotransmitters. The atomic components of DHMO are found in a number of caustic, explosive and poisonous compounds such as Sulfuric Acid, Nitroglycerine and Ethyl Alcohol.

What are some of the dangers associated with DHMO?

Each year, Dihydrogen Monoxide is a known causative component in many thousands of deaths and is a major contributor to millions upon millions of dollars in damage to property and the environment. Some of the known perils of Dihydrogen Monoxide are:

  • Death due to accidental inhalation of DHMO, even in small quantities.
  • Prolonged exposure to solid DHMO causes severe tissue damage.
  • Excessive ingestion produces a number of unpleasant though not typically life-threatening side-effects.
  • DHMO is a major component of acid rain.
  • Gaseous DHMO can cause severe burns.
  • Contributes to soil erosion.
  • Leads to corrosion and oxidation of many metals.
  • Contamination of electrical systems often causes short-circuits.
  • Exposure decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes.
  • Found in biopsies of pre-cancerous tumors and lesions.
  • Given to vicious dogs involved in recent deadly attacks.
  • Often associated with killer cyclones in the U.S. Midwest and elsewhere, and in hurricanes including deadly storms in Florida, New Orleans and other areas of the southeastern U.S.
  • Thermal variations in DHMO are a suspected contributor to the El Nino weather effect.
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The dangers of DHMO

Editor's Note: We live in an age in which alarmists warn us about everything from potential political catastrophes to claimed food disasters. Some time, ago we were sent the following fictitious example of how the powers-that-be might react to the discovery of water if they followed the logic frequently applied in today's world. We hope you get as much of a laugh out of it as we did.

ICI has announced the discovery of a new firefighting agent to add to their existing range. Known as WATER (Wonderful and Total Extinguishing Resource), it augments, rather than replaces, existing agents such as dry powder and BCF (bromine-chlorine-fluorine), which have been in use from time immemorial. It is particularly suitable for dealing with fires in buildings, timber yards, and warehouses.

Though required in large quantities, it is fairly cheap to produce and it is intended that quantities of about a million gallons should be stored in urban areas and near other installations of high risk ready for immediate use. BCF and dry power are usually stored under pressure, but WATER will be stored in open ponds or reservoirs and conveyed to the scene of the fire by hoses and portable pumps.

ICI's new proposals are already encountering strong opposition from safety and environmental groups. Professor Connie Barrinner has pointed out that if anyone immersed his head in a bucket of WATER, it would prove fatal in as little as three minutes. Each of ICI's proposed reservoirs will contain enough WATER to fill 500,000 two-gallon buckets. Each bucketful could be used 100 times, so there is enough WATER in one reservoir to kill the entire population of the UK. Risks of this size, said Professor Barrinner, should not be allowed, whatever the gain. If the WATER were to get out of control, the results of Flixborough or Seveso would pale into insignificance by comparison. What use was a firefighting agent that could kill men as well as fire?

A local authority spokesman said that he would strongly oppose planning permission for construction of a WATER reservoir in this area, unless the most stringent precautions were followed. Open ponds were certainly not acceptable. What would prevent people falling in them? What would prevent the contents from leaking out? At the very least, the WATER would need to be contained in a steel pressure vessel surrounded by a leakproof concrete wall.

Wide waterfall A spokesman from the fire brigades said he did not see the need for the new agent. Dry powder and BCF could cope with most fires. The new agent would bring with it risks, particularly to firemen, greater than any possible gain. Did we know what would happen to this new medium when it was exposed to intense heat? It had been reported that WATER was a constituent of beer. Did this mean that firemen would be intoxicated by the fumes?

The Friend of the World said that they had obtained a sample of WATER and found it caused clothes to shrink. If it did this to cotton, what would it do to men?

In the House of Commons yesterday, the Home Secretary was asked if he would prohibit the manufacture and storage of this lethal new material. The Home Secretary replied that, as it was clearly a major hazard, local authorities would have to take advice from the Health and Safety Executive before giving planning permission. A full investigation was needed and the Major Hazards Group would be asked to report.

If the United States were to be faced with such a new hazard as WATER, the Environmental Protection Agency would surely initiate public hearings and rule-making procedures that would drag the process out a least five years, cost several hundred million dollars, and end up regulating the use of WATER, requiring warning labels on WATER buckets, banning the sale of many common foods that contain WATER, and requiring the testing of all air meant for breathing, because it contains WATER vapor and it can be proved without doubt that too much oxygen is toxic.

 


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oops

oops

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"Weird Al"

"Weird Al" Yankovic - Party in the CIA (Comedy Central)

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Case of Advanced-Stage Humans

Image I came across...

Poet

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Financial Glossary...

Sovereign Man shared "A Bit of Humor Among The Financial Insanity" at  http://www.sovereignman.com/expat/a-financial-glossary/ .  Here's an excerpt-

BANK, n. Bottomless cavity in the ground that sucks in money and the unwary.
I had quite a bit of money but then I put it in the bank.

BOND, n. A profitless contrivance used for catching the gullible or feeble-minded.
That pension fund is 100% in bonds now.

BROKER

, adj. A comparative descriptive state for a client of a Wall Street bank.
He didn’t exactly have a lot of money before he started dealing with Goldman Sachs. Now he’s even
broker.

 

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the economy.....

I don't have time to look if this was already posted.  Figured it was time to revive this thread.  Found on another forum.  Enjoy.....Aloha, Steve.

 

The economy is so bad that ...

- Bill Gates had to switch to dial up.
- Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
- Rapper 50 Cent changed his name to 10 Cent.
- The highest-paying job in town is jury duty.
- Americans are illegally migrating to Mexico.
- Parents in Bevery Hills are considering raising their own children.
- Even people who aren't in Barack Obama's cabinet aren't paying taxes.
- Hot Wheels stock is trading higher than GM.
- McDonalds is introducing the 1/4-Ouncer.
- Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their children, "Finish your meal! Don't you know there are starving children in the US?"
- A prostitute asked me if she could borrow $20 until she can get back on her back.
- Martha Stewart did a show on creative uses for food stamps.
- I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
- Instead of a coin toss at the beginning of the Super Bowl, they're gonna play "Rock, Paper, Scissors."
- People are standing behind George Bush wherever he goes hoping for free shoes.
- Paris Hilton changed her name to Paris Holiday Inn.
- When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room..
- The Lone Ranger sold his silver bullets on ebay.
- 7 of 10 houses on Sesame Street are in foreclosure.
- I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- I bought a toaster oven and my free gift was a bank.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
- A picture is now only worth 200 words.
- They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street."
- The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

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A little lightness

 Hi Everyone - hope you are all having a great day !

This one of my favorites of all time - if you haven't seen it, be sure to view - you won't regret

www.flixxy.com/jive-aces-bring-me-sunshine.htm#.T7wdOY2w_iQ.email

Jim

 

 

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Thanks jpitre

Thanks jpitre for some comic relief.  We can "live it up" in all those hours we aren't studying the economy, practicing self-defense skills, and buying PMs.  If not, why go on at all? 

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ccpetersmd
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Brought me sunshine!

After a long day of packing and hauling, sorting and organizing, that was a welcome interlude; thanks, jpitre! 

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but where are their pitchforks?

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John Cleese on Europe

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE

BY JOHN CLEESE ( of Monty Python fame...)
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya , Egypt and Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniforms and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

 

 

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Ah, yes, John Cleese

You beat me to it thc0655. But the version I saw, ended with this postscript:

A final thought -" Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting
aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC."
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ao
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season's top Christmas toy?
 
You have to read the reviews on this toy.  It's black humor at its best (or worst).
 
 
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From a Zerohedge comment ....

Bernanke walks into a pizza shop and orders one large pizza. The waiter asks him if he would like it cut into six or eight pieces.

 

Bernanke replies: "Eight slices please. I'm very hungry."

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Gotta love Vincent Browne,

Gotta love Vincent Browne,

 

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for Aaron Moyer AND Marc Cochrane

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goes211
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NSA Wiretapping Public Service Announcement

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reminds me of the old Newfie joke...

Hey bud, do you want that pizza cut in 4 slices or 8?

Long pause.....

Better cut it in 4, I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 8.

cheeky

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can I give this one 100 thumbs up?

I have discovered my Friday night tune out, laugh out loud release from the ugly reality. Not sure why I have not found this thread before this.

This particular one is priceless.....

Jan

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westcoastjan
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and to add to the fun...

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