My Husband Died

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agitating prop's picture
agitating prop
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My Husband Died

This might not be the best place to discuss this, but hoping it might be. I will have to disguise some details as my husband was a journalist/author and I'd like to remain anonymous. 

He passed over about 6 weeks ago, suddenly. It was unexpected. He spent the previous day hiking. He died in his sleep in bed. He wasn't that old.

I was mainly just stunned and disoriented by it. I went to town about a week afterwards, to do some banking and nearly fell over in the bank because I was so dizzy and anxious. 

I managed to organize his memorial and write his eulogy while being in this state and tended to a lot of other people...but then they all went home. The reality of his passing, his permanent absence--is now sinking in---and it's hard. I really miss him and would like to be wherever he is but will remain earthbound, as I guess it's my duty to my own destiny to see the rest of this incarnation through. But sometimes I really don't want to be here. Wherever he is, I really want to be there with him. 

 

VeganDB12's picture
VeganDB12
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I am very sorry

My Condolences to you for your loss.

Denise

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Yoxa
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I send a hug

Even though it's anonymous, I send a hug and prayers for strength. Life doesn't deliver many blows harder than this.

Many would consider it a blessing to go peacefully in one's sleep ... but on the other hand, the goodbyes that don't get said can make it harder for those left behind. I hope that aspect is not too troubling for you. Take solace in the fact that he was doing things he enjoyed right until the end.

You have much still to give so trust that your story will have another chapter. Take things a day at a time, an hour at a time, even a breath at a time if that's what it takes to carry on.

((((hug))))

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Oliveoilguy
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agitating prop

My wife lost her first husband in a tragic and unexpected cave diving accident in Mexico on a vacation. She was emotionally and spiritually devastated. Here we are ten years later and she is loving life again and thankful for what she has. Life will never be the same for her after her loss, but she is embracing life and becoming stronger all the time.

Our sincere thoughts and prayers are with you.

Please PM if there is anything we can do in any way. 

Wendy S. Delmater's picture
Wendy S. Delmater
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oh I am so sorry

Losing someone you are so intertwined with is like having a phantom limb - you still feel like they are there and look to rediscover they are gone. I'm sorry you're by yourself right now. Reaching out to community helps. but I hope you have friends or family you can lean on from time to time. Sometimes you just need a hug.If I were there. I'd give you one.

We care.

- Wendy

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SagerXX
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oh my

Hey AP -- 

I am very very sorry to hear your news.  [minutes pass]  I've spent about 3 minutes staring at the screen, thinking of what to say, pondering scenarios [what if my sweetheart died suddenly?  what would I do?]...

I don't have any wisdom, and can't make it better.  I'll give you a big HHUUGG, and assert that surely your fine mind has work to do here before you go to be with your mate.  

So....get on that, yah?  

Again -- my condolences and a big hug.  Best to you.

Viva -- Sager

agitating prop's picture
agitating prop
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Thank you all so much. I want

Thank you all so much. I want to share something very interesting about good-bye's left unsaid. I was away when my husband died.  I arrived back home, in total shock, about 3 hours after they removed his body from the house.  

When he dropped me off at the airport two days prior to his death, and we said our good-byes, I reached up, touched his face, apologized for any hurts i have caused him. I thanked him for everything he has done for me, over the years, and for giving me a reason to live when we married. 

I felt this huge wave of warmth spread over me and was really a bit surprised by it. I am usually a pretty open and affectionate person but I really outdid myself at the airport. That was the last time I saw him.  

So lesson here is to pay attention to your gut. I had no idea why I launched into this soliloquy, but my gut said 'just do it' --  so I did. 

 

Again, thank you for your kind words and concern. My husband and I will hopefully be reunited somewhere in time.

agitating prop's picture
agitating prop
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Wendy S. Delmater
Wendy S. Delmater wrote:

Losing someone you are so intertwined with is like having a phantom limb - you still feel like they are there and look to rediscover they are gone. I'm sorry you're by yourself right now. Reaching out to community helps. but I hope you have friends or family you can lean on from time to time. Sometimes you just need a hug.If I were there. I'd give you one.

We care.

- Wendy

 

Wendy, thank you.  I will gladly accept a digital hug from you, failing the real thing!

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sand_puppy
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Very sad too.

(((hug)))

Arthur Robey's picture
Arthur Robey
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Soliloquy

May God give you the strength to get through. You have been spared because your journey is not yet done.

Arthur

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pinecarr
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My heart goes out to you, AP!!

I am so sorry for your loss!

I'm glad that you had a chance to connect with your husband before he passed, when you said good-bye at the airport.  What a precious gift! 

I also hope that you have friends and family nearby that you can connect with, who can help lend you support.  It makes such a big difference!  But if you ever find yourself needing someone "to tal someone, please feel free to PM.

(((Big hugs!!!)))

pinecarr

 

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JAG
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I'm So Sorry

(...)

Hi AP,

I'm so sorry for your pain, and I wish I could do something to help ease it. Please just know that I'm thinking of you and wishing you the very best.

He is still with you....you will find him in the stillness.

God Bless You,

Jeff

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Tycer
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;-(

I'm so sorry for your loss. If you're going to lose someone too early like that, you and he sure did it right. Blessings for sure. Heal well dear lady.

Because of my disposition and beliefs I'm not tactful in trying to help a person in their sorrow. I mean well, but I'm pretty matter of fact about death. I see it as just another beautiful part of life here on earth. Sad, but nonetheless beautiful.

I heard a talk the other night where the speaker described our bodies as meat bags that carry us around. I thought that fitting. He said that if you were to cut off your hand, you would still be you. If you cut off your legs, you would still be you. I extrapolated that to mean that when we lose someone that we identify as part of us, we are still us. When we join those who have departed us and leave this meat bag behind, we are still us. This fits in with my beliefs very well. I'm not sure this helps you, but that was it's intent.

With love and Blessings,

Tycer

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Time2help
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Sorry to hear

My thoughts and prayers are with you. 

LogansRun's picture
LogansRun
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Chin up

You will see him again, you know it better than most.

From my family to you (and yours):  God Bless.  You both are in our prayers.

Chin up

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jtwalsh
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Sorry for your loss

Sorry to hear of your loss.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Thanks for your contributions at PP. Know that you are an important and valuable part of what goes on here.

JT

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Thrivalista
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AP, I'm so sorry

My heart goes out to you.  I wish you all the warm loving support needed during this difficult time.

Is there a grieving support group nearby that you can attend? Are there family members and friends you can reach out to on a regular basis to draw in support?

Sorry if my problem-solving isn't what's needed just now. It's just my (awkward!) way of showing I care.

Warm hugs,

Thriva

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Doug
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So sorry

to read of your loss.  The death of a loved one leaves a hole in one's heart that can never be refilled, but with support and strength we learn to move on.  My family's best wishes in this most difficult of times.

Doug

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My deepest condolences

Agitating Prop,

 What a shock.  

Please accept my deepest condolences.  I sent you a PM this morning, and it mirrors the suggestions of others that you find support to help you navigate the fog of your grief and loss.

Take care of yourself as best you can in these trying times.

Sincerely,

Chris M.

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HughK
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May the road rise up to meet you

Dear Agitating Prop,

For the next phase of your journey, and until you and he are reunited, this Irish blessing comes to mind:

 

May the road rise up to meet you,

may the wind be always at your back,

may the sun shine warm upon your face;

the rains fall soft upon your fields and until you meet again,

may God hold you in the palm of his hand.

 

Blessings,  

Hugh

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Tall
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My deepest condolences

Do not stand at my grave and weep;

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glint on snow.

I am the sun on ripened grain.

I am the gentle Autumn rain.

When you awake in the morning hush, I am the swift, uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circling flight.

I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there. I did not die.

Mary Elizabeth Frye (1905-2004)

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cnbbaldwin
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Thank you for all you do.

I was so sorry to read of your loss AP.  My deepest sympathy.  Thank you for letting us know.  Along with allowing us all to send our thoughts and prayers to you, it has helped me, and perhaps others here, to visualize this circumstance in my own life, and thus, to be better prepared for it than I otherwise would be. 

Thank you also for your many contributions at PP over the years.  I look forward to many more, and hope that the PP community has and will continue to lend support and provide strength to you during this most difficult time in your life.

Big Hug.

CNB

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SailAway
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My Deepest Condolences

My thoughts are with you Agitating Prop.

 

 

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nigel
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Sympathy

If I had the words to make you feel better I would write them, but I don't. You have my sympathy and love. Find all the peace you can.

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thatchmo
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Condolences

May Peace be will you in the coming days.  Aloha.   Steve.

Adam Taggart's picture
Adam Taggart
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Sad For Your Sorrow

AP -

I am very saddened by your loss.

I'm glad you shared the new with us, though, as hopefully leaning on others (like the community of folks here who care about you) helps you better persevere through a very trying time in your life.

My wife is a therapist and strongly feels the best thing for people in your situation is to seek support -- professionally if need be, but at a minimum, leaning on good friends and family willing to help you deal with your sorrow.

As many here have offered, please lean on us, too, if we can be of service.

sincerely,

Adam 

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PraySam
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I'm sorry.

My wife died in 2010. She had a stroke and lingered for 2 years but she was unable to communicate sensibly with me and couldn't really understand what I was trying to communicate. We did not get to have a nice end of life heart to heart like some.It was not a pleasant time but once she passed on instead of being relieved I was painfully lonely for her presence. We were married 24 years and I was 48 so we were young (I think). I recall it was hardest for me about a month afterwards when people stopped calling and visiting and life just went on. I kept working and I think all my relationships with friends, family, patients, neighbors, bank tellers(I don't direct deposit), etc really helped me through the process. It is a process that takes time and no words of mine or others will make the pain much better for the time being. Now you can see here that there are many well wishers that are hoping for you, praying for you, and thinking of you and your loss. God be with you.     

 

RNcarl's picture
RNcarl
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Posts: 382
AP... Know this,

If nothing else, know this,          .... it gets better.

With deepest regards - C.

agitating prop's picture
agitating prop
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Learning curve

Have been very preoccupied and busy with bureaucratic matters. Thanks so much for all of your support.  So many people saying the right things with their hearts in the right place.  I will post again soon!  

Tapeguy's picture
Tapeguy
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Posts: 3
No Magic Words

My heart hurts for your loss; this path is never smooth or short. After my son was killed 18 years ago, I believed that I would never again sleep all night, or that as my eyes opened in the morning, he would not be my first thought. Time is the great healer, you never forget but the pain slowly eases.  Please reach out for help, don’t try to bare the pain alone, it almost drove me insane.  Seek out support groups, your family, friends, worship center, and speak of your pain and feelings of loss.  Yes you are correct, everyone goes home and you are alone in your loss and pain. Humans by nature avoid the topic of death, as the quote    “on the subject of death we view ourselves as spectators”.   My son was 19 when he was killed but now he lives in my mind as a little boy. Brian ambushes me sometimes and I start crying. It never fully goes away it just hurts less.

 

Big Hug

Jodi Stanley's picture
Jodi Stanley
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Posts: 22
Your Loss and Sharing Can Help All of Us.

Hello,

My heart aches for you during this blindsiding life change. You cannot ask yourself to feel even one iota of control at this time. Let each moment be what it is. But at some point, it may encourage your heart to realize that your situation has raised an important issue for this community. Many of us are partners to a planner/sidekick. We work together to decide what it means to be prepared for a changing world landscape that could significantly alter how/where we live and what that looks like. As a very capable, level-headed female partner of such a couple, your story hit me in the gut. It made me realize how much of the heavy work (such as design and construction of a remote location dwelling, security planning,  etc.) is really managed by my husband. I direct medical planning, family resources, financial transfers, communications, sustainable food/gardening/daily life planning, etc. But without his taking on the transformation of the homestead, digging wells, excavating, designing, etc., I would have no destination to which to relocate all of the "stuff" that I do (the easy work.)

As a community of people across the country who seek a restorable future and ask ourselves how we can be ready when it occurs and what our plan is to raise above any crisis after it happens, you have reminded us that we must have a succession plan. Reach out within your community of like-minded observers and discuss options as to who can step in to assist anyone if such a terrible loss occurs. We care about your future, agitating prop. Even if we are geographically separated from one another, we all sympathize with your sudden transition. But as members of PP, we also share confidence that you can weather this storm as your husband would want you to. Thank you for sharing your story and keep us up on how you are doing going forward. As for those whose partners are still with us, we should all welcome discussion of ways we could help bring to fruition the plans of people who lose their partner along the way, so that the remaining person can still reach those shared goals and make new friends through the journey.

 

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