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Prepping With A Reluctant Partner

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  • Wed, Apr 05, 2017 - 03:28pm

    #71
    aggrivated

    aggrivated

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    BTW Hugs

MacroDown here in the South (US) we give hugs out regularly. Here’s one for you and yours. If you were here in person you would have gotten one along with all the previous ‘advice’. Enjoy the now. It’s only here once.

  • Fri, Apr 07, 2017 - 01:05am

    #72
    macro2682

    macro2682

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    Thanks all!

Thanks for all the warm wishes.  I'm actually on the road this week in LA and SF so I'm missing the little one already!

  • Fri, Apr 07, 2017 - 04:41pm

    #73
    Mark Moran

    Mark Moran

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    Worthy of More Focus

This is a foundational topic.  

Looking at the extensive number of comments and range of issues that couples are struggling with, I urge Peak Prosperity to take a systematic look at the topic.   Without a functional understanding/agreement  within most marriages, prudent preparations can only be marginal at best. Given the very small number of folks who see evidence for the need to prepare and actually take action, I suspect that vast majority of us are significantly inhibited in making prudent preparations.

More personally, my wife is tolerant of what I do in the case of small things, on bigger topics (like retirement planning and where we live (on a rural 30 AC farm with a long commute for both of us),  she is actively antagonistic.  Her response is based on "things seem to work out in the end".  

Increasingly, I find myself acting in a unilateral manner based on a rationale that I have 3 children who will be the ones that face the coming crises for a huge portion of their lives.   This of course amplifies the differences between my wife an I which in turn has a negative effect on the entire family…..

I suspect the only real "solutions" for me are:  1) a non-linear destabilizing event occurs to prove us correct,  2) I relent, 3) we sustain high levels of relationship stress, or 4) my family breaks up.   

This is worthy of a great deal more analysis and discussion.

 

 

 

 

  • Fri, Apr 07, 2017 - 05:45pm

    #74

    SagerXX

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    Concobb2 wrote:This is a

[quote=Concobb2]

This is a foundational topic.  <snip>  This is worthy of a great deal more analysis and discussion.

[/quote]

Concur!

 

[quote=Concobb2]

I suspect the only real "solutions" for me are:  1) a non-linear destabilizing event occurs to prove us correct,  2) I relent, 3) we sustain high levels of relationship stress, or 4) my family breaks up.  

[/quote]

My first marriage foundered in part on this issue.  My current SO was given to understand that I will be undertaking certain efforts that require time, money and mental space.  These efforts are non-negotiable.  However, we keep our money separate (so I spend only mine on resilience-related items, or at least overtly resilience-related items [storage food, filtration, generator, firearm, etc.]), and I promised her I would lavish enough ardent attention upon her that she wouldn't feel like she was playing second fiddle to the Great Unwinding.

So far so good:  nearly 5 years and counting.  And she's re-discovering what a great shot she is.

It's a really, *really* thorny, complex and formidable issue in relationship — as I discovered between 2007 (GFC) and 2011 (marriage on the rocks).  It calls for, IMO, the resilience-minded partner to step waaaay the heck up and give the reluctant partner more attention, more reassurance, more affection, more ear, more communication, more [whatever makes reluctant partner feel seen and understood].  Give away some of your hobbies and leisure time pursuits (if you haven't already <smile>).  Let your lucid, determined, relentless efforts change their mind.  Or not.  As long as they tolerate your efforts, that's the main thing.

Of course, some reluctant partners may refuse no matter what good-faith efforts one undertakes.  

I have no prescription for that.

VIVA — Sager

 

 

 

 

 

[/quote]

  • Fri, Apr 07, 2017 - 07:46pm

    #75
    agitating prop

    agitating prop

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    Hi Sager,Sorry to near you

Hi Sager,

Sorry to near you have had such a rough time!  As you mention there are tremendous practical co side rations with prepping that can be hard for two people to navigate who aren't like minded.  But, further to that, this issue might be revelatory of how basically incompatible a couple are. They say opposites attract, but if world views are in direct opposition, opposites eventually repulse. This often happens when couples hit their 50's or early 60's. 

But facing the prepping idea could hasten this process. 

 

  • Fri, Apr 07, 2017 - 07:48pm

    #76
    agitating prop

    agitating prop

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    Hi Sager,Sorry to near you

Hi Sager,

Sorry to near you have had such a rough time!  As you mention there are tremendous practical considerations with prepping that can be hard for two people to navigate who aren't like minded.  But, further to that, this issue might be revelatory of how basically incompatible a couple are. They say opposites attract, but if world views are in direct opposition, opposites eventually repulse. This often happens when couples hit their 50's or early 60's. 

But facing the prepping idea could hasten this process. 

 

  • Fri, Apr 07, 2017 - 10:34pm

    #77

    SagerXX

    Status Gold Member (Offline)

    Joined: Feb 11 2009

    Posts: 397

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    Hey Prop

[quote=agitating prop]

Sorry to near you have had such a rough time! 

[/quote]

Ah, it wasn't that bad.  Especially once we realized that it was okay to let go and move on.  She didn't have to follow my path, nor I hers (nor even recognize the validity of the other point of view), and it didn't mean we couldn't respect or care for each other.  But it did mean we shouldn't be partnered up.  Once we got there, we separated with kindness and respect.  

Note:  no children involved.  MAJOR simplifier.  We did have to figure out how to have me buy her out of our business, and she got the dog (he always was a mama's boy), but the no kids thing was a key to the simplicity of the letting go.

This (reluctant partners) must be a big issue (which hasn't had enough discussion yet) if it's bringing the Old Skool CM.com peeps outta the woodwork.  <smile>  Good to see you around!

VIVA — Sager

 

  • Sat, Apr 08, 2017 - 06:12am

    #78
    macro2682

    macro2682

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    Separation

Separation/divorce is only an option if you consider it an option.  I'd rather be regretfully unprepared than live without my wife. Our kids complicate the issue of course, but they are far more resilient than we are (at this age), and will adjust to life post collapse much better than we will.  

Maybe someday my wife will decide to leave me.  But I would never leave her.  Maybe this is sexist, but she is my responsibility.  Her suffering is my failure. 

 

 

  • Sat, Apr 08, 2017 - 12:06pm

    #79

    New_Life

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    Total Respect for you Macro

[quote=macro2682]

Separation/divorce is only an option if you consider it an option.  I'd rather be regretfully unprepared than live without my wife. Our kids complicate the issue of course, but they are far more resilient than we are (at this age), and will adjust to life post collapse much better than we will.  

Maybe someday my wife will decide to leave me.  But I would never leave her.  Maybe this is sexist, but she is my responsibility.  Her suffering is my failure. 

[/quote]

 

Macro,

Thank you for compassionately and honestly sharing your outlook.

I'm sure I speak for many on here, I'm moved by your approach and the emotional burden you've volunteered to carry.

To me, it reads like your a modern day secret Super-Hero.

Maybe one day you'll have both grown to a shared understanding on the future and you can comfortably show your wife these writings, many a woman would be overwhelmed with the affection and real love you clearly have for her and your family.

Meanwhile, please know you have the support and admiration of many readers on here.

Take Care,

NL

  • Sat, Apr 08, 2017 - 08:06pm

    #80
    Emily Terrell

    Emily Terrell

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    Responsibility for your loved ones isn’t sexist

Macro,

Feeling responsible for your loved ones' happiness and health isn't a sexist motivation. While we are all ultimately responsible for our own outlook, attitudes and responses, a sense of being responsible to the mental health and emotional happiness of your family is a good thing. You are interdependent and work as a team. Being responsible by ensuring wealth, to the extent feasible and desirable, in all forms of capital is part of holding up your end of the agreement.

The other important thing I find, generally on PP, not related to you or any one of us specifically, is that we lose the forest for the trees. The long term outlook is challenging. Some things short and long term are totally out of our control. But, what we can do is hold each day and each of our loved ones precious right now. Climate change scientists still take their kids to soccer practice (and have enough hope to have kids at all). Even under the most horrendous circumstances, we can still find a way to shine and to love and to appreciate each day for the good it made. Don't let the weight of knowledge grind you down and steal your hope. Be prepared, but be grateful and rejoice in the blessings you have – suffer less yourself and it will translate across all your relationships.

Emily

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