England will always be superior
Asked why England is better than America, Monty Python alumnus John Cleese offered these three reasons:
In England people speak English;
When they hold an international sports event other countries are actually invited;
When greeting the Head of State you only have to go down on one knee.
–Read by Shelley Pomerantz, All On A Weekend, C.B.C. Radio One, 11 October 1998
America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration, without the usual interval of civilization
APPALACHIAN MOUNTAINS: [THE]
"You kids have fun, and be home by Thanksgiving!" our parents would call to us on Halloween night, as we staggered out the front door, weighed down by hundreds of pounds of concealed vandalism supplies, including enough raw eggs to feed Somalia for decades. By morning, thanks to our efforts, the entire neighborhood would be covered with a layer of congealed shaving cream and toilet paper that, around certain unpopular neighbors’ homes, was hundreds of feet thick. This is how the Appalachian Mountains were formed.
–Dave Barry, 27 Oct 2002
ARAB STATES: [MODERN ~]
They aren’t countries, they are quarrels with borders.
Look, there was a donkey, and it stopped in the middle of the river, and it wouldn’t go backwards or forwards. Bad Ass, see? Yes, I know "Disobedient Donkey" might have been more acceptable, but —
–Agnes Nitt, Carpe Jugulum by Terry Pratchett, pg 150
Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.
… As far away from Toronto as I can get without drowning.
–Cat’s Eye, by Margaret Atwood
In 1850 California became a state. At the time, the state had no electricity, no money, almost everyone spoke Spanish, and there were gunfights in the streets. So basically, it was just like California today except the women had real breasts.
Where men are men and women can crush ice with their bare hands.
–CBC NewWatch promo for a special report
The True North Strong And Freezing
–CBC NewsWatch special report title
Home of the largest shopping center in the world.
Nine months of winter, three months of bad skiing.
Canada: 132 years in the same location! Open to serve you 24 hours per day, 7 days per week. Now with 3 Territories!
"Canada" is an Ojibwa word meaning "Friggin’ Cold Eh?"!
you know, when Florida is actively trying to kill you, I should think that would inspire a move elsewhere…
such as the lovely state of Colorado 🙂
no earthquakes, hurricanes, tornados, humidity, excessive heat or alligators.
Motto: "You’re still going to die, but slower, and not in digestive juices. In the mean time there’s something pretty to look at."
A country formerly known as ZAIRE.
I must say a word about the Eiffel Tower. I do not know what purpose it serves today. But I then heard it greatly disparaged as well as praised. I remember that Tolstoy was the chief among those who disparaged it. He said that the Eiffel Tower was a monument of man’s folly, not of his wisdom. Tobacco, he argued, was the worst of all intoxicants, inasmuch as a man addicted to it was tempted to commit crimes which a drunkard never dared to do; liquor made a man mad, but tobacco clouded his intellect and made him build castles in the air. The Eiffel Tower was one of the creations of a man under such influence. There is no art about the Eiffel Tower. In no way can it be said to have contributed to the real beauty of the Exhibition. Men flocked to see it and ascended it as it was a novelty and of unique dimensions. It was the toy of the Exhibition. So long as we are children we are attracted by toys, and the Tower was a good demonstration of the fact that we are all children attracted by trinkets. That may be claimed to be the purpose served by the Eiffel Tower
–M. K. Gandhi, The Story of My Experiments with Truth
Egypt was the first nation in history, and it is still a nation today, five thousand years later. Egypt holds the undisputed record for national longevity.
–Isaac Asimov, The March of the Millennia, pg 30
FLUSHING, NEW YORK:
What an excellent idea!
>What’s in Montana?!?
Mount Saint Helens
Boy, is Washington State going to be surprised about that! Carmen San Diego’s work, is it?
OK, OK, so not all of Mount Saint Helens is in Montana. Just the dusty parts.
The only city in the world named for the sound a cat makes when it coughs up a hairball.
HOT SPRINGS, ARIZONA:
The Clinton family moved here when President William Jefferson Clinton was seven years old. His mother, Virginia Kelly, said of it: "Hot Springs was so different. We had wide-open gambling, for one thing, and it was so wide open that it never occurred to me that it was illegal – it really didn’t – until it came to a vote about whether we were going to legalize gambling or not. I never was so shocked."
A country bordered on one side by Iraq and by the Soviet Union on the other, and which could be said to be between Iraq and a hard place.
–paraphrasing William Safire, On Language (an anthology of essays),
A gathering of islands with no basic resources, ten thousand miles away, ruined by World War II, once renowned for junk products — has turned the much-vaunted American know-how upside down and inside out.
–Warren Bennis, On Becoming A Leader, pg 17
Entering Jordan by road from Iraq, one acquires an almost immediate sense of well-being. Part of that, of course, is attributable to the fact of having left the most repressive police state in the world.
–Jan Goodwin, Price of Honor, pg 260
KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO:
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t Be Wrong!
Arizona: Yes, But It’s A Dry Heat.
Arkansas: Literacy Ain’t Everythang.
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother.
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, only smaller.
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids – And Our Voting Skills.
Georgia: We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes . . . Well, Okay, We’re Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please, Don’t Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine: We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s And Our Senators Are More Corrupt!
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes… And 10 Zillion Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come visit And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Honest Elections!
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent; You Have The Right To An Attorney; And No Right To Self Defense!
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We’re Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl… It’s What’s For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn’t Actually Surrender Yet
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum.
Texas: Se Hable Ingles
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Too liberal for the Kennedys
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?
Washington Our Governor can: out-fraud your Governor!
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family…Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut the Cheese!
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men… And The Sheep Are Scared (Home of Brokeback Mtn.)
The District of Columbia: The Work-Free Drug Place!
A zero at the beginning and a zero at the end, slate-grey and brimming with venoms. Even the rain from it is carcinogenic.
–Cat’s Eye, by Margaret Atwood
 [A] place where people are amazed to learn that you’ve read a book, much less written one. this is not as bad as it sounds. If the book has no pictures in it, the natives can become downright reverent and will even invite you to parties to improve their social status, which, just as all the media stereotypes indicate, is the definfitve activity and goal of all life in this part of the world. No one in Los Angeles will be offended by this picture of the city as long as I don’t forget to mention that the weather is good. Indeed it is. Seventy-eight degrees and sunny just about every day. And the cable? More channels than a NASA ground station during the graveyard shift.
–David Marc, Bonfire of the Humanities, pg 20
 The full name for this city is El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: "L.A."
Line that separates y’all from youse-guys
Minneapolis is a black hole for science fiction/fantasy writers.
Are are they sucked in, or is it that they just can’t get out? 🙂
Hmmmm. I’m sure that’ll you find no dearth of people willing to tell you that Minneapolis sucks.
[A] state in which an "honest politician" is someone who hasn’t yet been arrested. . . .
–Joyce Carol Oates
New Orleans has a rather unique situation (being lower than sea level). For instance — did you know New Orleans is the only city where the Red Cross refuses to set up storm shelters? (To preserve the safety of their employees.)
"Ottawa" is English, actually — a corruption of hot and wet. During the confederation period, Canada’s future first prime minister, John MacDonald, having acquired an Ottawa Valley accent, after a bender that lasted fifty-three days and nights, and while eating pemmican (for no reason history has been able to explain), was asked, "What will we call it?" MacDonald, suffering the shakes, his mouth more full than reasonable, and misunderstanding the question, said, "Hot and wet." He thought someone had asked what the summers were like. It came out, "’Ot an’ wah." A secretary standardized the spelling as, "Ottawa." Thus, the capital of the new nation became the Ottawa we know, love, and dream big dreams about.
Or so I’ve been told. –Bill Wren; 02 Aug 1995
… If hot air rises, why isn’t Ottawa in orbit?
–Tagline (attrib Laurie Campbell)
All that dead weight keeps it down.
A subarctic lumber camp transformed by royal mandate into a political cock pit.
Web posted Saturday, August 3, 2002 6:29 a.m. CT
By Baxter Black On The Edge Of Common Sense
I do commentary on National Public Radio headquartered in Washington, D.C. It is heavily urban in listenership. Some have questioned why NPR includes my commentaries. So have I. When I asked, the producer said, "Because you’re the only one we know … from out there."
BLACK Out there. Where exactly is … out there? When I look south from my veranda I can see as far back in time as Coronado, who rode up the river horseback and came within five miles of my house. That was in 1535, 300 years before those johnny come lately’s Lewis and Clark caught a ride with the locals to Fort Pierre.
When I look toward the north on a crystal clear night I can see as far away as Polaris, axle of the Big Dipper. It shines directly down on the outposts of civilization. Omak, Sandpoint, Viking, Culbertson, Maple Creek, Elgin, Eagle Butte and Newcastle. Settlements as self-sufficient and self-reliant as a space station on the surface of the moon. Places where people and elm trees send down roots and look with pity at those who have to send out for pizza at 10 til 7 because they don’t have their act together.
When I look to the sunrise, I can see clear back to the palmetto and piney woods, Cumberland Gaps and cornfields. Where many of the white ancestors walked and rode and intermarried and populated the Llano Estacado, the arid plains, the holes in the walls and the ends of the roads. Like the boll weevil, lookin’ for a home.
When I look to the setting sun, I can hear the jingle of the bit chains, the swish of the lariat, the beat of the drum, and war cry of the natives and Spaniards who named the places we live – Maricopa, Kaibab, Santa Rosa, Tonapah, Tillamook, Durango and Winnemucca, and still live there.
When I look down, I can see the paw print of a mountain lion in a sandy wash, the outline of a steel shoe that I nailed to my horse’s foot, a black porous rock that was belched up from earth’s inferno before people walked here. And the track of my son who passed this way this morning to do the chores.
And when I look up, I can hear the silence, the rustle of things jostling for position in space. The cry of the coyote and the heavenly admonition to use the place responsibly, to appreciate its harsh beauty and to pick up the trash.
Out there. A vast part of this country from the Sierras to the backwoods, north and south as far as you can point, where the tracks are further apart and you can see the stars at night.
Out there. No better, no worse, just a little leaner and closer to the bone.
When the NPR producer said, "Because you’re the only one from out there," I wondered whether he meant geographically or philosohically?
I’m still not sure.
Baxter Black is a veterinarian and cowboy poet. His column appears weekly and airs each Monday at 6:20 a.m. on KGNC Talk Radio 71.
[Copyright Baxter Black 2002 and reprinted here without permission. I did post a note asking for permission through the online form at some newspaper web site, but they never wrote back. So I figure if those lousy bastards are going to be so rude as to ignore me there is no reason why I can’t be equally rude and ignore their copyrights. —MN]
The Pacific Ocean is, by itself, twenty per cent larger than all of the Earth’s land area. It’s a big glob of water.
–Isaac Asimov, Water, Water, Everywhere; Dec 1965
[reprinted in the collection of essays Asimov On Numbers]
As everybody knows, Terra is a wonderful place to visit but not live. Not truly suited for human habitation.
–Podkayne Fries, Podkayne Of Mars, pg 7
In Pompeii, the walls of every building were used as billboards on which anyone was allowed to write whatever they wanted. When the buried city was excavated, archaeologists found notices of upcoming plays at the theater, the schedule of games at the stadium, the price of goods in the market, and the comments of passersby. One message declared, "Everybody writes on walls but me."
The elections in Pompeii were coming up when the city was destroyed, so thousands of political ads were found, including this one: "Vote for Vatia, who is recommended by sneak thieves, the whole company of late drinkers, and everyone who is fast asleep."
–Uncle John’s Supremely Satisfying Bathroom Reader; 2001:
PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND:
[A] city that looks to 1920s Chicago rather than the U.S. Constitution for its model of government.
–David Marc, Bonfire of the Humanities, pg 20
The reason for the collapse of Russia? 640,000,000 population; 23,000,000 sq. miles; 37 languages; 5 time zones; 1 loaf of bread.
[…] There are some very strange things going on there, some of which an unsuspecting alien could die of.
–So Long And Thanks For All The Fish, Douglas Adams
Where you can see your dog run away for three days.
Celebrate the Seattle Rain Festival — July 1 thru June 30
Don’t come to Seattle, the sun don’t shine up here. –Tagline
So when somebody tells me to put something where the sun don’t shine, they’re saying I should send it to Seattle?
Lovely SoCal (or "That pit of depravity" as my mum calls it).
ST. THOMAS, ONT:
Fourteen taverns and fourteen churches — vice and virtue in a dead heat.
The longest place-name still in use; it is a hill in New Zealand.
The last I had heard, Tibet was in the hands of unfriendly peace-lovers.
–Oscar "E.C." Gordon, Glory Road, pg 207
TOAD SUCK FERRY:
So there IS a Toad Suck Ferry, and there IS a Toad Suck Arkansas, and he IS from there. This much I know.
Blair tells me that his old German and Welsh kinfolks who ran the ferry across the river (says it was originally Pittman’s Ferry) used to spend most of the time when they weren’t actually running the ferry "squattin’ on the bank like a bunch of old toads, talkin’ and suckin’ on a jug and passin’ it around." One of the river boat captains apparently started referring to it as the "Suckin’ Toads" ferry…and the name stuck. (And I just got off the phone with him and he sticks to the story. Says, "There’s at least enough truth to it to have made it into folklore. Which means we don’t have the slightest idea whether it’s true or not.)
Decide for yourself if it’s true. (I ain’t sure. The town exists but I didn’t ask how it got named….)
Washington Approved Cook-Out
A city run by ’60s era liberals, who put all their ideas into effect — and it shows.
 Two hundred years ago Washington D.C. was built on a stagnant swamp. It stank then and it stinks now.
WINDY CITY: [THE]
In reality, Chicago’s no windier than any other Great Lakes city. It’s only the Windy City because they had a mayor in the 1920s who was a loud mouth. This was Big Bill Thompson who once said, "If George V comes to Chicago I’ll punch him right in the nose."
As a Brit I am embarrased by this posting. They are the ravings of an idiot.
Clearly Satyricon needs help and should call a Doctor.
These comments belittle the site, my country and their author.
I’m an embarrassed Brit too – what an idiot
I never laughed so much in my entire life!!
Just umbelivable Satyricon, thanks for the epic collection
While I don’t think that the posting title is a good one, I did get a chuckle or two from some of the jokes. I agree that it is not really on topic for the site.
All the best,
Another vote for embarassing and ridiculous.
I find myself wondering – if this person has this much free time, why aren’t they spending it doing something they’re good at?
Clearly, that’s not making funny jokes.
this site has gotten so depressing it is good to see someone slill has a sense of humor.
i have seen this before but it was good to see it again
way to go satyricon
ps i hated the movie