Depression and Marriage Problems Since Taking the Red Pill

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  • Sun, Aug 14, 2011 - 05:16am

    #81

    Travlin

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    Think about it

 

[quote=laura welsh]

For Tictac,

In response, I would humbly suggest that you sound like a pompous, overbearing, conceited, pretentious, a$$.

[/quote]

Laura

As an articulate writer you could have easily expressed your disagreement with Tictac without hurling a string of insults at him – twice. When you ask for help you don’t always get the message you wanted to hear. You certainly shouldn’t insult the person responding. It is also a gross violation of the forum rules.

Travlin

 

  • Sun, Aug 14, 2011 - 01:43pm

    #82
    laura welsh

    laura welsh

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    Travlin,I hear you….what

Travlin,

I hear you….what I found unconscionable was tictac responding to a post I made 18 months ago with comments about my husband and I being solidly indoctrinated to think inside a very small box, implying that if we only studied history we would be enlightened (as is he?), insinuating that we are members of a group having a hard time grasping the truth, and that my husband and I are victims of our worldview.

You say that when someone asks for help, they don’t always get the message they want to hear….do you actually believe tictac was trying to be helpful?!  Or just being supercilious? His untimely words, out of the blue and directed To Laura, struck me as pompous, overbearing, conceited, and pretentious.

If this is a gross violation of the forum rules, I promise to choose my words more carefully in the future. Thanks for weighing in.

Laura

 

  • Wed, Aug 17, 2011 - 06:46am

    #83
    SPAM_bsat

    SPAM_bsat

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  • Wed, Aug 17, 2011 - 10:44pm

    #84
    tictac1

    tictac1

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    It’s all good

People usually react that way when you tell them a truth, and inside they see it, then hate you for it.

That said, I realize now I could (should) have been far gentler in what i wrote.  Thank you for exposing that.  I wrote what I did based not on my knowledge of you personally, as I have none, but on my experience as a father and husband, watching other marriages in my family collapse, and watching those of co-workers collapse.  There ARE common themes.

"But first you must recognize that your worldview shapes your actions, and all the minute details, not the other way around."

JAG says I call the kettle black.  Hey, we’re ALL black.  All humans form their knowledge and actions in this fashion, I was not saying it as an insult.  Our "axioms" about the world are the context for how we view and react to it.  How else could you even operate?

I’m glad you are making awesome progress.  For every marriage like yours, I’ll bet there are 10 more that just call it "irreconcilable differences".

 

  • Thu, Aug 18, 2011 - 01:06am

    #85

    pinecarr

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    tictac wrote:I’m glad you

[quote=tictac]

I’m glad you are making awesome progress.  For every marriage like yours, I’ll bet there are 10 more that just call it "irreconcilable differences". [/quote]

+1  Laura, I am encouraged to hear your good progress with your husband and family. 

Unfortunately, I think more and more that my marriage is falling in the latter category tictac describes.   Like you, I swallowed the red pill whole and fast, and my worldview was transformed.  Now -and for the last couple of years-  I am an unwelcomed view into a world and future that my husband does not  want to contemplate.  Add that to issues and stressors that already existed, and the economy isn’t the only thing that’s volatile and crumbling! 

  • Thu, Aug 18, 2011 - 07:43am

    #86
    Saffron

    Saffron

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    Hang in there, Pinecarr

 Pinecarr, I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. I do hope that it is temporary. The stress of anticipating a disaster we all know has to happen without being able to anticipate the form or timeline, is immense. Any relief of having more time to get to the never-ending "must-do" list is offset by the realization that it is never-ending.


You mention other issues and stressors so perhaps this suggestion is not an option, but I mention it because it seems to be what dh and I have evolved into: would your husband be willing to take on the "role" of keeping you both in the present while you take on the role of anticipating and preparing for the future? It sounds like it is probably what you are both doing right now, but with opposition since each wants the other in his/her camp. Could he accept that some preparation is at least reasonable (pick earthquake or flood if he can’t wrap his brain around financial collapse) and that he is lucky you are willing to think about it for you both? And would it be easier on you if you see what he does (or doesn’t) do as helping you stay a little in the present? I know for me, somedays I could completely float away on a cloud of future predictions and I almost resent when dh or ds’s growling stomachs force me to deal with right now. And money spent on (what I consider) unnecessaries, can drive me up a wall. But I do live in the now, so sometimes I need to be present in it too … so when I’m able to, I choose to accept that dh’s ability to set aside prep thoughts might be helping me keep a little sanity in the here and now.
 
This is neither easy nor a panacea, but perhaps it will buy a little time – really it seems like just a little is needed – before things become clear to even the uninitiated. 
 
~ s
  • Thu, Aug 18, 2011 - 10:51am

    #87

    pinecarr

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    Thanks Saffron, I really

Thanks Saffron, I really appreciate your support! 

Unfortunately, I think my situation with my DH is beyond an easy solution.  As you picked up on, the "other issues and stressors" take our situation beyond just what’s happening in the larger, outside world.   Basically, I think I would need to be someone else -would need to behave and react differently than who I am- for things to work from my spouse’s perspective.  To be fair, he could say the same thing. 

Even with that, I think maybe a relationship could survive if both people could "agree to disagree", maintain good-will for each other,  and maintain respectful behavior and boundaries with others.  But when even this low bar becomes too big a hurdle for the relationship, then maintaining status quo becomes more like chronic pain.  Throw in a child you love and whose life you don’t want to disrupt, and who deply loves both parents (together), and there are no easy answers that I’ve been able to come up with.

Add to that coming from a rural,  "small town’ area, where there are very limited "other" social circles to become a part of, and there are even more consequences of a change in situation that need to be considered. 

Not to mention the timingfor "stiking out on one’s own"  isn’t the best ,  given all that’s going on in the larger world!

Thanks for the shoulder!

  • Thu, Aug 18, 2011 - 05:15pm

    #88

    jturbo68

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    DH What is that?

Pardon for being dense.

 

What is a DH? 

Domesticated Husband?  :->

 

John

 

 

 

  • Thu, Aug 18, 2011 - 07:25pm

    #89

    pinecarr

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     I think it means “Dear

 I think it means "Dear Husband", John (tho’ I do like your version, and it does lend itself to variations!;). 

  • Fri, Aug 19, 2011 - 05:26pm

    #90

    ccpetersmd

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    Peak Marriage

Pinecarr,

I’m very sorry to hear about your domestic problems! They can be tough problems, to be certain. I very much liked Saffron’s advice, as it reminds me greatly of the balance we have struck in our home.

I’m blessed with a wife who at least understands most of the concerns with which we are faced regarding the economy, sustainability, etc. That said, my wife, Julie, is less engaged in thinking about such issues day-to-day, and is more concerned about our boys, their schooling, their friends, etc. At times, I am almost frustrated by her lack of attention to details that I think are so important. "Why do you care about which school they will attend, knowing the world is crumbling?", I might think at times, without actually asking. Still, in the end, it is my wife that keeps me grounded. Without her, I might be off living in the wilderness somewhere; or, at the opposite extreme, obsessively trawling the internet for more news, day after day. As bright as I may like to believe I am, it is my wife who is stronger and better grounded. Together, we have struck a nice balance. It is not an always tranquil balance, but more like a seesaw, going up and down, but maintaining a steady center.

Nothing is more important to me than my life with my wife and three sons. I do what I can to ensure the security of that life, while my wife continues to remind me of the underlying purpose behind my education and preparations. As much as I would like to be personally secure and without worry, I would much rather feel uncertain and insecure, yet with my family around me.

As you noted, there may be "other issues" which preclude acheiving such a balance, or armistice agreement, in your life. I certainly do not pretend to know what you are going through, and it is none of my business, in any case. Still, I wish you all the best in your life, and if any of us can be of any help to you, please don’t hesitate to ask!

Chris

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