The Definitive Humor Thread

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

VanityFox, how could I forget Cleo Rocos, Sid Snot, and Cupid Stunt?

You also didn't mention the Police, Tubeway Army/Gary Newman, and Ian Dury and the Blockheads, the Clash, The Jam, Thin Lizzy, Motorhead, Madness, and of course Status Quo, who relelased in 1979 the first of their songs "Whatever you Want" in 1986 of course they released their second song "In the Army now" (for those that don't know this band they've release 24 albums and have more or less 2 songs).

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

Yanking the thread back to its original purpose:

A guy is walking down the street with his
friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy."

His friend replies, "How's that?"

"It's like this -- my hair line is in recession,
my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."

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Gungnir
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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

Sorry Sam...

Embarassed

A Man walks into the doctors with a frog on his head.

The Doctor says "how did this happen"

The Frog Says "Well it started with a bump on my ass"

 Smile

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

Paul -

I can't believe you left off Woody Allen's "Love and Death"

The Contessa -  

"Someday I hope to build on it" 

Finale -

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

Gungnir wrote:
Ah Musician Jokes

Bagpipes were given to England as a gift from the Scots . . . .

 . . . .  unfortunately, the English still haven't figured out that is was a joke . . . .

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

c1oudfire wrote:

Gungnir wrote:
Ah Musician Jokes

Bagpipes were given to England as a gift from the Scots . . . .

 . . . .  unfortunately, the English still haven't figured out that is was a joke . . . .

 

Hey...as a musician (and part Scot), I must protest...

(note I am not insisting everyone love bagpipes, wear kilts or eat haggis [though doing all three is a lovely way to spend a rainy afternoon])...

 

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

Serious business humour threadsLaughing...

An American, Australian and an Englishman were stranded together on a desert island.

After many years together, one day the three men were walking along the beach where they saw an old bottle that had been washed up.

Immediately, the American opened the bottle. There was a grand smoke filled flash with a loud bang and a Genie appeared.

The Genie said, ”I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years, and as a reward, I will grant you all one wish”.

The American straight away said, “I want to go back home to New York”.

With a wave of the Genie’s hand, the American disappeared in a flash and a puff of smoke. 

The Australian said, “Please send me back to my home in Sydney”.

“No Problem”, the Genie answered. And the Austrialian disappeared in a farting crack. 

Suddenly, out of a clear blue sky came a thundering crash.

Behind the Genie and the Englishman, a giant pink elephant had just fallen out of the sky and onto the beach.

The elephant picked himself up and looked around.

He then looked at the Genie and the Englishman and said apologetically, “Sorry chaps, I appear to be in the wrong joke!”

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

Dogs,

"NOOOOOO, I forgot Love and Death !!!!!!!!!Foot in mouth...

Forget love and death though, I wanna be a pickled immortalWink...

Gungnir,

I was 11 in 1979, and well into Led Zepplin, Pink Floyd, Jimi Hendrix, with a side-order of Rush 2112. Loved 'Madness' but dug Roy Harper much much more. My mentor for folk, rock and blues was a short step across my back-garden with my guitar in hand. It was years later that I appreciated all of the bands you've quoted from the time, but my heart remains with this man and, if I've created a convert in you, so much the better, because I practiced this song until my fingers were raw, knowing that I'd gotten it right when I played it on stage and the front row stood up and clapped with tears in their eyes :-

Nick Drake has a similar effect :-

...but this is a comedy thread!!!

Best,

Paul

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a
little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties..The Taliban
asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a
tie? They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need
water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!'

'Ok,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want

to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger
than
that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles,
you
will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.
Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours
later he staggered back, almost dead.

'Your brother won't let me in without a tie!'

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

A newlywed couple are on their honeymoon. Halfway through disrobing, the new husband tosses his trousers across the bed and tells his wife to try them on.

"Gee, honey, these are so big I don't hink I could ever wear them." says the bride

"That's right," says the groom smugly, "I wear the pants in the family, remember that."

The new wife ponders this for a moment and then shimmmies out of her knickers, tosses them across the bed and tell her husband to try them on.

"Man, these are so tiny," says the struggling groom, "I'll never be able to get into these."

"That's right," says the bride, "and that's the way it's going to stay until you change your attitude!"

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

There were two hippopotamuses having a bath.

The first hippopotamus said to the second hippopotamus " Pass the soap would you please "

The second hippopotamus said " What do you think I am, a typewriter or something ?"

*******************

Ready, as you can see, I have children too.

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Do you need your computer screen cleaned

I know you don't clean your screen very often, and it is hard to

do the inside...so click here.

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Re: Do you need your computer screen cleaned

cat233 wrote:

I know you don't clean your screen very often, and it is hard to

do the inside...so click here.

LOL and Thanks for that, Cat. 

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

A newlywed couple walked into the Holiday Inn.

She said, "We just got married. Can we get a room?"

"Well congratulations, said the clerk would you like the bridal?"

She said, "No thanks, I'll just hold on to his ears until I learn how."

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

What's the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with the light on.

At least one submarine joke,

150 Submariners go out on a three month op,  75 couples come back.

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "bartender, give me a beer and a mop".

Two flys are on a pitchfork handle when a cow walks by and does what cows seem to do best, oboy say the flys and they fly down and start munching, one fly says he's had enough and flies back to handle but the other fly keeps eating till he's stuffed, he tries to fly but he can't so he climbs up the handle and joins the other fly. Just when he reaches the top another cow walks by and does the same thing, oboy says the stuffed fly and jumps off the handle forgetting he can't fly and crashes to ground and dies.

What's the moral of the story?

If you're full of sh*t don't fly off the handle.

A group of Americans wanted to study some ruins in South America so they hired some locals to guide them, no sooner did they get started when this giant Foo bird flys over and craps all over the whole group. The locals are yelling at the Americans not to wash off the crap or they will die but being Americans they washed it off anyway and then died.

What's the moral of the story?

If the Foo sh*ts, wear it.

Sorry ;-)

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

All my best jokes reaaally don't fit into the forum guidelines.  Darnit.

But hmm...lessee...perhaps a wee bit o'Steven Wright:

"I have this light switch in my house that doesn't do anything.  Flip it on, nothing happens.  Flip it off, nothing happens.  So months go by and I'm flipping the switch on and off and then I get a postcard from a woman in Berlin that says 'Cut it out.' "

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

"Government is the only agency that can take a useful commodity like paper, slap some ink on it, and make it totally worthless."
-- Ludwig Von Mises

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

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Re: Funkie Towel !!!

...and if that 'Blows Your Hair Back' (If you have any...??) Here's a link to the whole film!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Joe's Apartment

Escapism at its worst ( ...and Best... )

Paul

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Re: Funkie Towel !!!

Vanityfox451 wrote:

ROFL!!!!!  I've got a nephew who does computer animation (yes, out of Hollywood, of all places . . . . how did that happen in my family?), and he's gonna love this one!  Thanks!

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

So, after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had  been instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.  Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.  Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

So, I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.  Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work...

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Monty Pythons Meaning Of Life...

...Best,

Paul

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Re: Funkie Towel !!!

c1oudfire wrote:

Vanityfox451 wrote:

ROFL!!!!!  I've got a nephew who does computer animation (yes, out of Hollywood, of all places . . . . how did that happen in my family?), and he's gonna love this one!  Thanks!

And the movie is hysterical as well. . . . definitely destined for my video library . . . . a cult classic, indeed!

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Stand By Me (complete Movie)

C1oudfire,

I'm really really pleased!!

Joe's Apartment is one of my 'feel good guilty pleasures...'

Incidentally, I just realised that the lead actor was the boy under the porch in :-

Stand By Me - Part 1 (complete Movie)

Best,

Paul

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

Maybe black humour;

If you think the problem is bad now, wait till the administration solves it.

The onion did this;

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/sony_releases_new_stupid_piece_of

and I've posted it before but now its in the right place.

Don

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Re: The Definitive Humor Thread

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